Making new habits…

The psychology will tell you it takes a very short time to start a habit… but to break a habit… that takes much longer… depending upon how bad you want to break it plays into it also…

Every quirk, habit or saying… I question myself… when I do it… not when anyone else does it… nope, I am taking a very hard look at how I picked up those habits and what was the trigger, so that I can stop the cycle….

Snacking at night… not more than 100 calories, but still a snack… and the nightmare associated with that… once I faced the memory… the habit stopped, almost immediately… I still have the snack I always get into and its 2 months old… a little ole cracker…. still in the cabinet… like an old friend…

Exactly how the depression, or at least lets say the deep depression… the more I read and understand about the chemical part of the brain and its injury location… the more I get, why my brain does what it does… I think with understanding that and becoming more adjusted to the memories being in my waking mind… I think that is why the deep depression hasn’t been able to bother me…

Do I get blue, yep, who doesn’t… but surgery doc has me on a hormone creme med for 9 months… until its gone, I’ll get back to ya….

Behavior… poor kid at the lab missed my vein… so instead of getting pissed, I did the opposite and encouraged her to go for the other arm and told her about smoking weed and neuropathy and how it constricts the vessels and next time she gets a patient like me, she will nail the vein… she hit the other arm in one try… but boy did she move it around in the other one she missed… proud I didn’t puke…lol…

Changes… still say what I think… from what I have seen of my memories… I always did… in fact just before the Texas incident… sitting in the dinning room of the very house where Margie died… all us kids at the table eating and mom bitching at dad before he goes off to his part-time job after working all day on base… and she asked me this question and I think I said this verbatim….

mom… Margaret! why did your dad and I have to get married???

me… because dad got you pregnant with me… and all of us laughed…. except mom and dad… instead it was…

Mom… to me… you want to get slapped…. yep that was life in a nutshell in that christian home… she called me the brat as she stood their pregnant with another mans child…. yep I be one bad kid… and you know what… I never let that mouth go dry…. and I paid dearly for it once in a while… 

It still gets me into trouble today… 

Told you Margie was a minx….

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I Remember… Margie….

Sky is Falling…

In America, in fact, no matter where I have lived in the world… when things go to crap… the Sky is Falling and you get many views on what the future holds for humanity….

Well buttercups, if you are not ready for the rodeo that is going to happen thanks to the rich mans tax cut… that’s okay… I already know I can’t fix stupid….

The depression, if you really research it, was bad… but mainly in the city… those that lived on farms, if they had dirt and water… made it… didn’t get rich… but they survived… where as in the cities… it was ugly… much like the homeless issue we have in the warm areas of our nation… not a pretty sight….

What can we do… well my first suggestion grab your ass, because what is coming is going to be one bad bumpy ride and only the rich will come out smelling like a rose….

When Trump got elected… first thing I did, work to pay off all my creditors… credit cards are the worse during the kind of recession that is coming… the next thing… selling my house, while I can… and moving back to the mainland, to an area, where we can survive without government help… they are going to need it.. not us…

I can do this only, because of a medical settlement… not much mind you, I wish it was over 6 figures… but after the lawyers and the court take their share, I will barely get 50% of the settlement… really sucks how the courts screw over the very people they are supposed to protect… the innocent…. must be why we have 2 rapist in the supreme court now…

I know when the economy took a noise dive under Reagan, it was bad… thanks to the GOP Obama inherited another mess, which he fixed and thanks to the GOP, our deficit is such that McConnell is talking about cutting SS and Medicare and when they do that they will go after the vets… it’s happened before, when SS was not around… Veterans lost benefits because of mismanagement at the White House… History repeating itself….

So we will take our little bit of money… buy us a piece of land near our brats and hunker down and prepare for what is going to be a very ugly and deadly recession… without jobs… crimes go up… that is a fact… and you can thank the GOP when it happens…

Its going much faster than the economist I follow thought it would… my gut tells me our nation is fast going bankrupt and we will owe more money to foreign countries than we bring in….

Curious… what language do you want to end up speaking… Russian, Chinese or North Korean… the fall of countries is always because the religious fear what they can not control….

Am I wrong… I so hope so…, but, I have lived through this stuff before… and I remember what it costs the nation… the cost this time will be higher than you can imagine…

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I Remember…. Margie….

Fantasy played out…

So many times in the past, before Nov 7, 2017… I would use my meditation the Air Force taught me and I would take myself out of the picture that was making me uncomfortable…

I detached and went into a safe place and just vegetated… maybe only for a few minutes up to a few days of what people call brooding… I have a different name…

Forcing myself to face the reality of the actions of others and realize I have no control over anything or anyone….

Just myself…

Same goes for the next doctor appointment… Short, sweet, to the point, sticking to the talking points and then putting my foot down about a break from all that is going on…

I do have my answer and she didn’t want to hear it…. until the end of the conversation after she went off on me… body slump, sigh, roll my eyes… so give up on college educated people… it’s as if the humanity went out the door because what it cost them financially to achieve being a doctor and they forget why they became a doctor…. yep big sigh….

I am learning, always trying to figure out all the technical and scientific data I read… not always understanding fully, but it points me in the right direction… and you must have a direction… thus why I fought for those results… I have my direction….

I know people who have been told they are bi-polar and some are my siblings… when I know they are simply missing memory…. the trauma was that great…

The attack at Big Springs, Texas… was so violent and vicious… the only child in the house not to know what was going on… the baby, not of my dads blood…

Every sibling I have, was impacted when I nearly died…. Every sibling I have, is living in a hell they did not create… I can not help them… they turned to a fictional god for that help… at one time they would have listened before mom got her claws into their brain… but its to late now… they have to find their way out of the darkness… 

They have to want the truth… or be treated for a mental illness that they never had… which can do so much more harm than good….

Image… all about image… when dad tried so hard to destroy my brain… and they so hoped I would never remember and probably were told by doctors that I wouldn’t remember… only one problem…..

I Remember…. Margie….

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Looking for a little peace….

Long weekend over and digesting the news that the El Paso VA psychiatrist was 100% right with the PTSD diagnosis… and now you are going why would I have questioned that…

Easy… I was never told… the only reason I found out I had PTSD, I requested a copy of the evaluation connected to my VA appeal and I got the doctors report…

Never got one phone call from the VA to see if I wanted counseling… Never got one phone call from the VA on the sexual assaults… need I go on??? That is VA health care and has been since I started making use in 1984… and it will never get better and more vets will take their own lives because the government is now about party and not America…. Civil war may have cost many lives… but party will destroy us, IF we let it….

I have played over and over in my head, how I will handle the appointment the 24th and pretty much, just going to let the doc have her say, then I will tell her she can search my VA records for the information she did not want to hear Friday night and when she finds it… then we can discuss the next step in my care….

Keep in mind, I have all my records from 1972 to now… and it took me months to find the test from Oregon and the Social Security EEG…. which she does not have access too…just the VA records is all she can see…. they really hate when you are smarter than them… and hubby, he just waits for me to put them in their place before I walk out the door permanently…. this time… it will be next year, before I do that… but she won’t like the 24th… the doc that is… 

As for me… I intend to take some down time from all the medical stuff I have been going through for the last year… I need to regroup, refresh my memory on my medical profile and ensure that un-necessary test are not ordered or repeated….. when you have 10,000 + pages to review… you fall asleep sometimes… it’s that boring… yea I am motivated… but remember, vision issues…. so it takes me longer to see and read…. 

This would all play out so differently if I had not gotten my memories back… I promise you, I would have bailed on the doctor after her attack and I would have just done without the thyroid med and cholesterol med… yep, cut my nose off to spite my face type routine… that is TBI in a nutshell if you are not aware… 

I am aware… I told hubby something last night that took him by surprise… please understand, I am still working my way through all the information and memories hitting me all at once… so contradict I might…. its called chaos and TBI & PTSD are experts at that…

I always wondered why I had such a hard time remembering my childhood and really never put much thought into it, until I started working on a VA appeal and had to read old psych exams… and that got me thinking… I didn’t meet the profile for mood disorder… so I started researching and studying and most of all learning all I could about the brain and memories….

So, on the day I confronted my mother, I knew that when we left, I would never see the woman again and I just thought, okay, lets pull some psychology on her and see what happens… I was always suspicious of her, because I caught her in so many lies… so I simply stated…

Me… Mom… I am missing memory from my childhood….

Mom… Some things are best not remembered…. refusing to look at me as she said those words and my heart sank….

I knew in that moment, as the rage and wave of nausea over came me and I felt my heart race and my skin grow clammy….

I had suffered a TBI and not once, but multiple times… in that flash of a moment, 3 attacks flashed before my eyes and I could not get out of her house fast enough… and I still had to play nice till we left town… hardest performance I ever did… be nice to the people who tried to kill me and raped my child… my birth family…

I didn’t speak of it for 8 years and last night… I told Mike how I finally knew what was wrong with me and when the true journey began… that day in moms kitchen…

Mother told me I was missing memory… I was just suspicious…. the Psych eval the following year confirmed it… PTSD related to my illness…. and we didn’t know at that time when I took the test that I was right… I did not tell that doc… I took the test in the hope it would be very different from the rest… because when it came down to it… 

My knowing I was missing memory is what changed the outcome of that psych test… I finally knew, my family stole my life and never intended to give it back to me…

So I turned the tables on them and I am a work in progress and will be the rest of my life… 63 years of abuse… and abuse comes in so many forms… 63 years of lies and in the end… the attacker, was the one to give me my life back…. that was when the cell of Margies door unlocked and she started singing instead of humming….

Maybe some day her voice will be heard around the world…. Slavery in America is alive and well and its name… CHRISTIANITY…. in the guise of religion to control what you never had a right to control….

My Life….

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I Remember… Margie….

 

Working to settle the …

At one time it would have been chaos… trying to sort through everything going on around me,  being aware of everyone and their feelings and just leaving myself out in center field, looking for that hole to open up and swallow me…. our adult kids came home and that was one 3 ring circus, I wish I could repeat…. 22 years ago….

The most comforting part of this whole mess… my husband of 24 years… Mike….

Without him… I am not sure what direction I would have taken… but it would have been less grounded than it is now… support, without it, it is a struggle to win the battle against PTSD and TBI… I know, I tried it and it took this marriage to make me feel safe and secure, so I could let my guard down…. the process has taken its toll on both of us… but the reward is so worth it…. and he’s getting to know Margie… something my own children never bothered to do…..

I used to beat my head figuratively against the wall with my health care… from the day I was born until the early 90’s, the military was my health care provider and we can all see how good that was… then from that point on, it was private insurance and ultimately the VA… and we all see how good any of that care has been….

The head beating… beating myself up for the professionals not being able to be adult enough to do a job without losing their temper… or getting frustrated with the patient or a nurse telling you rude things just before major surgery…. I have only had one pleasant experience in health care…

Dr. Yee, a brilliant GynUrology surgeon who did my surgery in Feb of this year… first time anyone held my hand before knocking me out to be cut on in the OR… how I wish there were more empathetic people like her… 

Now its about the dollar and trying to cope with the government screwing things up even more… and I am so hoping they dissolve the VA and allow us private health care… then I can fire my doctor when they become obtuse and abusive…like the one now… and yes, she is a civilian doctor, but under VA contract….. so no I did not get away from government health care… which is why so many vets commit suicide… because the people who are supposed to help us…. attack us…. world weary sigh on that one…

I am lucky… the family did not destroy my brain, just handicapped it a little and I have spent my life learning all I can, so that when the opportunity presented itself… I would have my answers… It just took me a few months to remember the CT test in 2000…. coupled with the 2011 Pscyh diagnosis and the current EEG… they confirmed the psych testing done in 2011… officially its PTSD… I don’t meet the profile for any of the other illness’ associated with abnormal brain waves… if only the doctor had allowed me to talk… she would have this information right now…

Out of all the doctors I have seen in the last 5 years that are not in VA facilities… every one of them tell me the same thing… they have no clue what is in our medical records… the system is so screwed up, they give up and put the patient through what tests they can get approved and make their own diagnosis… not much help, when my VA records have 3 to 4 other service member records included in them, including social security numbers…. and I have read every ugly statement made by VA employees, thinking patients will never see their ugly, vulgar comments… but those of us who care… keep fighting such a corrupt system…. filled with bigotry and hate….

I get why the doc was upset… but I am the patient and it’s not my fault congress screwed everything up in their attempt to bankrupt social security and the medicare program… and those changes are now being implemented into CHAMPVA, CHAMPUS, and VA health care… all military related care for the service members and their dependents…

So in the end… the GOP got what they wanted… they bankrupt our country with the rich mans tax break… they cut health care so much across the board, they are impacting the people who protect this nation and the ones that built it….

Yep this weekend has been one hell of a ride and I hope it never ends…. but, I do look forward to that pillow every night… at one time I could not say that….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Landmarks… in the brain….

I was just watching CNN about the Florida panhandle and Mexico beach and the devastation they are dealing with and a survivor made a statement that hit me between the eyes… “All the landmarks are gone, the bank to turn to come home, does not look like a bank… nothing looks like it did before, its chaos, how do you cope?”……

That is the perfect statement for someone who has PTSD or TBI…. our familiar landmarks, or thought process has changed… it does not look nor feel like it did before the storm… thus it is with the brain….

I could see it happening to me and was powerless to convey my thoughts… the landmarks for making common sense remarks had disappeared and in its place a black hole….. and that black hole took the information with it…. and it takes time for the brain to figure out how to deal with that information that makes sense to the brain, but not always to the person and if you never experienced this, then you might want a 2nd opinion on your mental health…. PTSD & TBI both do this to my brain and I am just now understanding how it all works… because science is catching up to what my brain has been doing since 1960, possibly earlier….

I will never be any one else…. I will always be me… I will always talk and think the way I do, because christians tried to silence my voice by beating their cult Baptist religion into a little girl… a child I can only imagine what might have been… I know the brain was that smart before they tried to destroy it….

I survived… I survived corrupt military medical care, corrupt VA health care and piss poor American health care and I survived…..

I will always know that dementia and CTE are very real possibilities… that goes hand in hand with TBI…. I also know that what the future holds, no one knows and science is always making progress, unlike religion…. or politics…….

I have learned to quiet the chaos and the other little tricks that certain thoughts can change the way the brain works… I may never get all my answers about the domestic violence and my sister will never own her part…. as long as I stay true to myself and know I did all I could to get the answers that started with one question to my mother…..

why did you hate a little girl, whose only fault was to tell the truth???Margie at 2

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I Remember…. Margie….

Friday Night Lights…

Friday night when the doctor called, all I wanted was from her mouth, exactly what the EEG results said… now don’t get me wrong, I probably could have got the same info from her clerk… so this is the issue I have with hearing, and again these people did not listen…in other words I couldn’t understand the clerk, my ears were bothering me… but its my fault, just a FYI on that….always my fault… sigh….

About 1996, after another major surgery, the ringing in my ears started and never stopped… it is so bad now… that I do not hold a phone to my ear, nor do I wear any type of head phones…. The ringing may be a result of the surgery and anesthesia, or thyroid medication or genetics or blunt force trauma… thus why I can not tolerate head phones… I was hit upside the head so many times, the nerve damage is hyper and my ears have always bothered me and you got it… other than the ringing in my ears, doctors found nothing… neuropathy… if only someone had listened…

With PTSD and TBI and abnormal brain waves, you fight a battle you will never win, because to win, someone has to hear you and 9 times out of 10… the professionals are more in line with apathy than the patient is… my doctor is one of those and that is disappointing… hubby heard the conversation on speaker, only witness I needed… him…

When the doctor went off on me, I knew she was stressed, over worked and I just happen to be the target… not the first time it has happened… the professional, anything but professional… and I am the one with mental illness…. sigh….

If that behavior had happened before and it did, so many times I lost count with VA and military doctors… they go off on the patient, instead of being a professional….. and that would be the last time I saw them… the doctor that is, be it mental health or medical… go off on me and we are done… that isn’t professional… that is mental illness… I said it before… mental illness is more pervasive than you can possibly imagine….

So the doctor I see here has changed the parameters of our relationship… her complaint, she sent me to every place I wanted…. not NEEDED… but wanted… keep in mind, major surgery in Feb to fix a VA fuck up… Mental health, because I got my memories back and thought it would be a good idea to get professional help and that was another joke… and neurology so they could confirm that I am losing the use of my muscles and the nerves are no longer functioning internally or externally…. sigh……. but these are places I wanted… not needed…. 

Now you get why I have no use for Americas health care system… I used Japans and Italy when I lived there… there they treat you like a human… not a bank account…. double sigh….

At least now I have all my answers that I have been trying to get since 1978…. Neuropathy is the end result to beatings by my mother and father and actions by my sister…. Mental illness… PTSD… due to blunt force trauma to the brain and psychogenic amnesia covers the repressed memories…

Thyroid and cholesterol are both genetic… I have no other health issues… the tachycardia, no one knows why it happened… just a reminder my heart works…

So in reality, I do not need anything else from this doctor while we live here… except blood work, to adjust the thyroid med, until it stabilizes…. its up and down, because of what my brain is going through…. I don’t get it all… but it is fascinating….

She will not get it when I go in the 24th and decline her tests…. because she did not want to listen Friday night when I tried to explain the CT scan in 2000 of the brain was negative and diagnosis of PTSD in 2011… she didn’t want me to talk… she wanted to complain about how difficult a patient I am… more tests will not change the diagnosis of PTSD… only my recovery can change that… and it looks more and more like this journey will continue without professional help….

and I am the one with mental illness…. must be why Trump is in office… you really can’t fix stupid… you just can’t….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….