Dream of Dreams…. depression is sneaky..

Ever be sound to sleep and you have a dream inside a dream??? It is unnerving when it happens, it is as if you are having an out-of-body experience and you are on the sidelines eating popcorn and watching the show….

Every day I get out of bed and my TMJ is not tight and my shoulders are not tight and hunched forward, and my body feels like it really got sleep… tells me I am making progress…

Always on my guard, depression I have noticed can take you by surprise and when it does… you really cannot ignore it, confronting it and understanding it, well for me, that is what makes IT go away… I quit running from the past, now I am running towards it and embracing every ugly second of it that my memory holds, just so I can finally say, what, I have no clue…

Will it ever truly ever be over… how do you learn to love, how do you learn to grow and be the person you are supposed to be, when someone takes your soul from you and steals your body for their use…. because it was all about them and you were just a tool… and an excuse, an after thought for their enjoyment and pleasure…. a cover for their sins or my favorite, can’t keep their legs crossed… Chastity belts sound ridiculous, but there are some men and women who should totally wear them… Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas come to mind….

Rape and domestic violence is theft of property, because the thief wanted control over you and when that fails… well, lets put it this way, if my family was truly intelligent… they would really listen to the WORDS and understand the MEANING of those words when they come out of mothers mouth…. if they did that, they would see the pattern of mental illness and abuse… but, as I giggle, will never happen… you have to be in reality and they are christians… reality has no part of living for them…

Between fighting my own government for Don’s (dad) mental health records and the OSI investigation and not getting one honest word from the Bagwell & Cooper clan…

I can only hope the last laugh is on them and that the MRI shows zero brain damage and once I am put under hypnosis… the dirty secrets of the Bagwell & Cooper clan will come into full view… they must be real scared of the past to want to block me from getting my answers… these people are living and refuse to talk… now that is what I call a true christian….

Cowards…. a hunting we will go….  a hunting we will… high ho the dairy oh, a hunting we will go…….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

 

Fighting the Feds…

It is not unusual to hit brick walls when trying to get government records… the only record that the government is keeping out of my little sticky fingers….

Don’s psychiatric records and the subsequent investigation done by the OSI (Office of special Investigations) most the times these people just had glorified titles… but it is an issue I have hit before… and if  sealed and classified, well … there is a way and it is an avenue I will pursue upon our move back to Washington state next year and we get settled…. Don’t like getting lawyers involved, they are spendy… just depends if getting those records could change anything… again… time is on my side, I think… 

I have gotten everything else I asked for on Don (dad) since he is deceased… but I am finding the U. S. government doesn’t like you poking into mental health records… skeletons have a tendency to come out at the most inconvenient time…

I can only hope…. But that is where I am at on his psych records… I know how to do stuff, but with no real internet at our house and the hot spot so expensive… again, I think time is on my side… and pursue those records through the court if necessary… 

Hope the MRI is negative for blood clots or lesions or any other issue I haven’t thought of… I like this goofy person that has come out to play… hate to lose it to a clot or stroke or cancer….  But, Agent orange, always in the back of my mind… Always…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

MRI News…

Positive news today, call from the company taking care of our area for health care… and this lady was beyond sweet and helpful and a delight to talk too… and of course, I was wishing we were texting, so if I went off track, I can edit with text, I can’t with my mouth… and I did, go off track and shared more than I should have… but what is weird, I could feel the chemical reaction that was triggering the motor mouth… and again… it is related to TBI, the right lobe, Big Spring, Texas… 

TBI’s and so far we have counted 6 TBI’s… Age 6, 8, 13, 14, 17, the baseball at age 9 is the only one that was not domestic violence…

So excited… the MRI is getting scheduled… hope its an open MRI, I remember the one at Spokane VA and they sent me home so I could be drugged for it, I panicked and that is one PTSD moment I want to get my hands on… I have seen parts of the repressed memomry and I get what makes me panic in confined spaces… I just want the whole memory and understand the why…

Wrote before and If I didn’t, before the age of 14, I was not claustrophobic… so between the near death in Texas at 13 and the assault after we get to Japan at 14, I think… again, it is normal to not be able to pin down the time frame… with the weird memory ability I have, it’s just getting the chaos settled and putting the puzzle together… That is a memory sis is worried about and I not real sure why…

So, points for the company taking care of vets on Hawaii… they got the ball rolling under 30 days… 3 weeks is still long, but I learned a very long time ago with being connected to the military and VA my whole life,  it gives me a unique perspective… I tried private health care for a few years… before I couldn’t work anymore, so this is what I get… hurry and wait… but squeal, excited… it’s started, the final phase of getting answers…

The Brain MRI…. hope they let me geek out… squeal…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Healing comes in layers, over time….

Watching the Donna Rice interview, and what she said was profound…. Healing comes in layers, and she is so very right about that….

The physical part of my trauma, some healed decades ago, blunt force trauma fractures… all the other injuries will never heal, only because I was not taken in for medical care… domestic violence only involves health care, when the person beaten is near death and even then… they will go to extremes to hide the abuse…. always about image and not life… definition of christians… other wise, why brain wash a child??? and when that child takes a destructive course you can say, but I showed it god…. REALLY??? 

The psychological part of the healing… that I think is a personal choice and one the mental health people can not help with… because, it is about choice and only one person should make choices for your life and that is you…. but christians think they own you… so just get some ropes of garlic and get a witch to curse some water and sprinkle and hang the protection and you are good to go…. okay, warped humor, I like it….

The damage done to me as a person when I was a child, if you don’t remember it, how can you hate the ones involved???

I didn’t until they started lying to me and trying to manipulate me… and when mommy dearest moved the family within 6 hours drive from me, alarm bells never sounded… I didn’t remember… she pulled the family away from all the family in California??? Now you get it… and moves the whole family to a little red neck town that has no viable employment??? oh, there was a jean factory, but it closed shortly after they moved there… anyway, it was a thought Mike and I discussed and highly speculative, until you know the things I said to mother after the birth of my son and when I called the base police on them at Mather… you could see it in her eyes… you are going to pay…

It is an avenue I could use for the book, very warped and twisted… so something of mom and dad must have rubbed off on me… my brain is already playing with the idea for the book….. an a shit eating grin comes to my face… I like this part of me…. Margie…

That little minx is going to so get me into trouble… we told our kids if we move back to Omak, every one is fair game… and the memories of good times their flood in… I would love to have all my kids near me… but life doesn’t work the way we want and the boys are independent and have never had much need for mother since they left home and I accept that… it is life…

Will I ever truly heal from what was done in the name of god and domestic violence… Maybe… not every waking moment is focused on this story… I am living life, not watching it go by, speculating about what I have no control over…..

Most humans have brains and use them… That is all I ever could ask for with my kids and family… those that choose to blame me for everything, are trying to control my life, so they have someone to blame, instead of owning their lives…… those that are living life and want to be a part of mine… will grow until the death-bed… always about choice… always…. 

Healing will come over time… It will not happen fast, because the past is vivid and very much a part of who I am and I am angry and sad… 

My friend that I have known since I was 16, says I have always been honest and forthright… and my husband of 24 years will tell you the same… and I have said it for decades to anyone that will listen… “Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do”…

I don’t get even, I just do not allow you in the door of my heart or world… you may come in the physical door and be greeted with hugs and love… but you will never be trusted…. only because you lied to me… again, you choose to lie…

And, I caught you doing it…. trust is earned and when YOU destroy that trust… It will take you a lifetime to earn it again… Ask Mike, he walked out the door in 2010 and that trust was destroyed… he has yet to earn it back, fully…. always about choice… and trust is the most important one in my personal bible… Mike thinks I am worth it…. Most of you do not, because you took my trust with you and destroyed it…. 

It is your loss, not mine… My world has always been complete, because I believe in me, my best friend, the one who never betrayed my trust….

Always about choices and Trust…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Pushing the Boundary….

Last night, long before bed, in between the Dancers on the TV show, my brain latched on to some depression and it wanted all my attention, but I had other ideas and took that depression and beat the crap out of it…

When PTSD has ruled your world for at least 58 years, everything becomes integrated into you, all the bad habits, angst that goes with it… and you want to talk about trying to break habits that are that many years old…. ugh!!!

I really wanted to walk away from this writing and sew my world back up and turn the lights off… no one is home, leave me alone, go away… I hate everyone attitude…. yep I was their last night… so the depression sneaks in when your guard is down and mine was down….

After I bitch slapped myself back into reality, I enjoyed the rest of the dancing with the stars and went to bed and the ole brain says, nope… we going to think… double ugh, I wanted sleep… but I made myself face the depression that tried to come in the back door and dealt with it and I woke up feeling better about the day, not dreading it…

Ya know you are screwed when you start talking to yourself and when you answer, you get into an argument with yourself…. yep humans have evolved alright…. right into the loony bin….

I knew from what mental health here told me and what I had read… it could take years and even then, I may not be fully recovered from the trauma I went through as a kid… 18 years of beatings and having your head used as a punching bag… it does amaze me I can wipe my own ass…

My brain is making more progress than I thought possible in such a short time… I just keep fighting myself and that is when I have to choose, Margie or Maggi… and Margie has been winning… talk about being taken out of your comfort zone… I feel like I am in the middle of a cactus patch and nowhere to go, trapped… just a little frustrating…

Most everything I ever knew about my youth, I have remembered… and that is why I think I have permanent damage to the brain and one tiny little section, took some very important information… and again no one is talking, because they be afraid of me…. BOO… geez… that afraid of the past???

I will get there, every day I wake up… means I have a chance of getting there… as long as I have hope, I can achieve anything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Blame Game… TBI & PTSD… all they had to do is own it…

This has bugged me for a while and just maybe if I put it in writing, the thought will leave me alone… because there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it… this is and was totally out of my control… but I did have my say….

Memory issues will or will not be a problem for anyone with PTSD & TBI… The reason the mental health gets it wrong… they go by the book and when you look at a person who has these issues… guess what… you are NOT reading a book, you are learning about a person with issues… big difference… a book never changes its story… TBI & PTSD patients do… and they do it knowingly, but can not stop it….

Chaos is part of the process to recovery… when it started last Nov 7, 2017, the chaos was over whelming to the point I was ready to start drinking alcohol, just to numb the brain… instead I turned to marijuana, which acted like a mild sedative that calmed the chaos and allowed me to sort through everything I was remembering about my first 18 years of life under the rule of christians, the Air Force and domestic violence….

I am not fully there yet, where there is zero chaos, but it is within reach… now the part about the blame game…

Anyone who has had a TBI and loss time, and I mean you have zero memory of the event… will understand these next words…

I never hated mother, dad, brother or sister…. until… they lied to me… Until they deliberately set out to hide the truth from me… that is what I built my anger on… I took my hate and disgust for christians and built upon the actions of these people and the rest of the family that participated… Aunt Tiny, who is living and not talking… Mother who is living and not talking… Sister who is living and not talking… Brother who is living and you got it, not talking… but they want me to save my soul!!! For real, got a letter from brother about saving my soul??? Holy crap on a cracker, I nearly peed my panties laughing so hard on that… save my soul from what… THEM???

Even now I have no animosity towards any of them for anything they did while I was growing up…

Thanks to them directly lying to me, stealing from me, cheating me and debasing me… Now they have the full brunt of my hate, disgust and total and complete lack of desire to even get to know them…

I have said this one statement, for as long as I can remember….

Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do… it takes you out of my world, because you disrespected my world… by lying to me….

Trust is earned, not given… and frankly between the ones I mentioned and my own children… good luck with getting me to believe one word that leaves your lips… The people that want to be a part of my world and journey are… the ones that want to bash me are exactly where they belong… on the outside looking in….

All they ever had to do, is own their behavior… own their lives and what they did to me… and they couldn’t… but their god will forgive them… I never will….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

One hell of a day for headaches…

Dependent gets CT before Vet gets MRI…

Hubby and I had a bet going and we both knew I would win… His doctor he saw a week ago wants a CT of his blood clot…

My doctor called 3 weeks ago and the Neuro wants a MRI of my brain… 

Well the hospital just called and hubby gets his appointment before this veteran gets hers… and guess what, hubby is my dependent…

Before Trump took office, I could expect a prompt and quick time frame for any tests or doctors appointment… Since Trump and the corrupt GOP took over, I wait over 45 days for tests and over 3 months for appointments…

Yea, Sure veterans support this bastard… ooops sorry, president…. NOT!!!

Anyway… 3 weeks and counting for MRI and I asked for dental surgery in May and not one word… 100% service connected disabled veteran… Priority 1… more like an old fashion 69 if you ask me…

So proud I wore that uniform so I could be treated like a foreign citizen… oh wait, isn’t that what Mrs. Trump used to be and she got prompt care and hospital stay after a minor procedure and I had to get on a plane 6 hours after major surgery in Feb of this year!!!

Yep, vets support this administration in the twilight zone…

Rant over…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…