Blame Game… TBI & PTSD… all they had to do is own it…

This has bugged me for a while and just maybe if I put it in writing, the thought will leave me alone… because there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it… this is and was totally out of my control… but I did have my say….

Memory issues will or will not be a problem for anyone with PTSD & TBI… The reason the mental health gets it wrong… they go by the book and when you look at a person who has these issues… guess what… you are NOT reading a book, you are learning about a person with issues… big difference… a book never changes its story… TBI & PTSD patients do… and they do it knowingly, but can not stop it….

Chaos is part of the process to recovery… when it started last Nov 7, 2017, the chaos was over whelming to the point I was ready to start drinking alcohol, just to numb the brain… instead I turned to marijuana, which acted like a mild sedative that calmed the chaos and allowed me to sort through everything I was remembering about my first 18 years of life under the rule of christians, the Air Force and domestic violence….

I am not fully there yet, where there is zero chaos, but it is within reach… now the part about the blame game…

Anyone who has had a TBI and loss time, and I mean you have zero memory of the event… will understand these next words…

I never hated mother, dad, brother or sister…. until… they lied to me… Until they deliberately set out to hide the truth from me… that is what I built my anger on… I took my hate and disgust for christians and built upon the actions of these people and the rest of the family that participated… Aunt Tiny, who is living and not talking… Mother who is living and not talking… Sister who is living and not talking… Brother who is living and you got it, not talking… but they want me to save my soul!!! For real, got a letter from brother about saving my soul??? Holy crap on a cracker, I nearly peed my panties laughing so hard on that… save my soul from what… THEM???

Even now I have no animosity towards any of them for anything they did while I was growing up…

Thanks to them directly lying to me, stealing from me, cheating me and debasing me… Now they have the full brunt of my hate, disgust and total and complete lack of desire to even get to know them…

I have said this one statement, for as long as I can remember….

Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do… it takes you out of my world, because you disrespected my world… by lying to me….

Trust is earned, not given… and frankly between the ones I mentioned and my own children… good luck with getting me to believe one word that leaves your lips… The people that want to be a part of my world and journey are… the ones that want to bash me are exactly where they belong… on the outside looking in….

All they ever had to do, is own their behavior… own their lives and what they did to me… and they couldn’t… but their god will forgive them… I never will….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

One hell of a day for headaches…

Dependent gets CT before Vet gets MRI…

Hubby and I had a bet going and we both knew I would win… His doctor he saw a week ago wants a CT of his blood clot…

My doctor called 3 weeks ago and the Neuro wants a MRI of my brain… 

Well the hospital just called and hubby gets his appointment before this veteran gets hers… and guess what, hubby is my dependent…

Before Trump took office, I could expect a prompt and quick time frame for any tests or doctors appointment… Since Trump and the corrupt GOP took over, I wait over 45 days for tests and over 3 months for appointments…

Yea, Sure veterans support this bastard… ooops sorry, president…. NOT!!!

Anyway… 3 weeks and counting for MRI and I asked for dental surgery in May and not one word… 100% service connected disabled veteran… Priority 1… more like an old fashion 69 if you ask me…

So proud I wore that uniform so I could be treated like a foreign citizen… oh wait, isn’t that is what Mrs. Trump used to be and she got prompt care and hospital stay after a minor procedure and I had to get on a plane 6 hours after major surgery in Feb of this year!!!

Yep, vets support this administration in the twilight zone…

Rant over…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD & TBI Comfort Zone, is the Twilight Zone…

When I pushed to get hubby tested last year, I knew something was way wrong… If it wasn’t him… it was me… so now we joke, I got him tested… but it was so important at that moment in time last summer… because I knew… something was about to happen….

It wasn’t but a few weeks after we got Mikes test results that the shooter on Nov 5, 2017 killed 26 people in a town in Texas… 2 days later, Margie started talking and the rest is in all these blogs… that thought just left me weak… wow…

I have had friends who had mental illness, schizophrenia, bi-polar (split personality), depression and just mental illness…. and I could relate to each and every one of them… because I was living it… the bi-polar especially… only because Margie had been fighting Maggi for decades to be heard… and once her voice was no longer silent… it has been an interesting road trip going through my past….

If you take thyroid med, you might have a clue what I am talking about… if your dosage isn’t right you will either be over the top with hormones and if you are a woman, they will blame menopause… and if you aren’t getting enough hormone, your brain is in confusion at varying degrees… I know, experienced it this morning… the med had worn off and not built up in my system yet… new dosage…

Or another good example if you smoke pot… you get one strain that is so strong, you lose all track of time or anything you did, and you don’t remember doing things… that is what PTSD & TBI do to me…

It’s not as bad as it used to be… now, headache, and I associate that with what ever happens during that time, I am aware and able to maintain the focus, that wasn’t there before… because of the PTSD & TBI…

You never get pass the TBI if you have permanent memory loss, which until I get the MRI done, which will be when the VA gets off their ass, 3 weeks and counting… or if the Neuro¬†does more tests… I just don’t have those answers yet…. I may get them before I see the doctor on my own, and I may not… this is when you need the college educated… they did pass tests…

I know from what I have learned, some symptoms related to TBI may never go away, because after all the brain, the most important muscle we have… was damaged… and it takes time for it to rewire and compensate for the damage…

I made a comment to a doctor before about how I could feel things going on in my body and brain and you would have thought I was a UNICORN… the look they gave me… then in the last few years, science says people who have sustained damage like I did, to the brain and body… can feel everything going on inside them… my current doc thought I was nuts too… ¬†now she listens… maybe not hear… but she is learning….

The brain, the best toy nature ever gave a sentient being… and add a shaker of believing in yourself, well, lets just say, the past is finally becoming the past…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Remembering War…

On Okinawa, I was at the age, I dated who I wanted… and I never had any interest in kids my age, I went for the GI… the dude in uniform, Army, Marines, Navy & Air Force… they could afford to wine and dine this kid… and most of it was harmless fun and guys who just wanted to sit and talk with a kid, that reminded them of home and the ones they left behind and may never see again…

The one thing I never understood, but accepted… the guys told me stories of their time on Nam… which is what we all called it…

One kid was a tunnel rat, he was the first to enter one of the many tunnels, that usually held death… just the way he told the story and how he got lost in the memory was telling…

Some of them were foot soldiers, some in maintenance and were at DaNang… Jim Yettman is one that comes to mind when it comes to DaNang… the depot for Agent Orange… watched dad die from it and we lost 2 very dear friends in the last 10 years to it as well…. and the thought flash’s before my eyes…

They sprayed Naha and all the bases on Okinawa with Agent Orange… how many will die, not knowing that was the cause…??? Our government at work, protecting the image, my whole story has been about image and the U.S. image has been exposed thanks to Trump… 

I dated many guys on Okinawa, during those 2 years we were there… and I heard many stories of their families, wives, sisters and moms…. and I heard their dreams….

These few young men, taught me, how a woman should be treated… they were the best big brothers a girl could ask for… I hope they had the lives they wanted….

Now we watch as more men and women are going to war, a war that we can not win… just like Vietnam….

On week 3, waiting for just a call to even schedule the brain MRI… Vets are dying and we are sending more off to war… for WHAT??? So the rich can get richer???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD and why Mental Health gets it wrong…

The more I understand this PTSD diagnosis, the more I can see when it started for me as a person and when the symptoms kicked in… I would have to say, by the time the boob incident in Alabama… I have had this PTSD since around 8 years old… and I have been seen by 6+ shrinks and mental health workers in the dozens…. and none of them had a clue… not one…

Then I had an appeal going on with the VA and underwent a psych eval in 2010/11 and when I got a copy of the results… PTSD related to my illness… Keep in mind in 2010 I confronted mother over the missing memory and she gave me my answer… she refused to discuss what she had done to a little girl, because she was embarrassed over children being children and her inability to be adult… in fact, she never became an adult… just a consummate act her and Don started and never stopped….

Ya know, when the VA did not bother to get hold of me and ask me If I wanted counseling speaks volumes for the VA system and the fact I worked hard to get the hospital director fired and made many enemies in the doctors at that facility… and yep, the dude was fired… but not before they gave out my Social Security number…. sigh… credit monitoring is not cheap!!!

Regardless of what I rant about… The VA and military have no clue how to really help veterans with PTSD, let alone diagnosis them correctly…. all they know how to do is give us drugs… and thankfully, that is not part of my recovery… the drugs were dumped in 96 and the last of them in 2003… I take what is necessary for medical conditions, not speculative bull shit the doctors don’t understand…..

It is no wonder so many veterans take their lives, when you can’t get the health care system to listen and when it comes to the VA… I have 800 pages of 3rd party rhetoric in my medical records from VA employees… that has zero to do with my health care… just their opinions???? Seriously, I have read all the pages and there is more bull shit in my file than there is medical information… no wonder vets are dying!!! and frankly who gives a rats ass what federal employees think… they aren’t there for the vets… just the paycheck and private health care they lord over veterans…. FACT!!!

I am still very angry and I still have much work to do and I have no real say in what memories present themselves for me to open up… lately, what ever is trying to show itself is a doozy, because it is waking me up 3 hours before I normally get up… and it’s been consistent the last few nights… I so want some sleep…

When the memory does finally show its full self, that is when I go, REALLY??? You kept me a wake for that!!!

Anyone who has TBI & PTSD will tell you, 99% of the time, you will know the memory intimately, but buried it in self-preservation for what ever reason… and the more I see of that household… the more I realize….

Mom & Dad were and are bat shit crazy!!! What do you expect, they labeled themselves as christians…. their god made them do it????

Just WOW!!! I am hoping whatever memory is trying to come forward does it soon… this reminds me of what it was like, before 11/7/17…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

The ghost that woke me…

I love this time of year on Hawaii… wonderful trade winds, rain happens when the sun is shinning, clouds and most of all…. cooler weather, the kind where the AC stays off and the house open to all that nature gives….

Last night was a warm night and one that found me coming full awake and I was telling myself to knock it off… In other words the memory I have been pushing to see, is pushing back…

PTSD is the worse, when it comes to facing the demons of the past…. I can not speak for anyone who did combat, or auto accidents… I can only relate to my head being used a punching bag and one time they went to far and here we are… me trying to figure this mess out…

I have never had a dream as vivid as last night, it has bugged me all day and I have pushed myself to put my mind in another place and the memory push’s its way into my view….

I told Mike that I knew I had not remembered anything new… that all the memories that have come forward, where always there… I just took my skills and buried them, I just wished I had told myself what the damage would be by running from it, instead of into it… and by it, I mean the trauma I ran from for so many decades….

I can feel my guard coming down and the brain is just letting me in on more of the secrets that I simply forgot and now I have to figure out why I forgot them and what are they connected to… I love playing games and solving puzzles, but this is such a daunting task and then I remind myself… If I keep running, I will never finish….

Two points for last nights nightmare… It hit back… Maybe Feb the neuro doc can confirm I have permanent memory loss and I can finally say, time to move on… then Margie pokes me in the head and a headache comes on… yep, like I got a whole lot of say about this journey….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Unlikely friends….

Tired of the news, so watching unlikely animal friends and the thought struck me… if nature can co-exist, why can’t humans??? Easy…. Religion….

So very tired of hearing the rapist open his hole and talk trash about Americans, when the dude has no clue what being American means… then people, not many mind you, but still humans, out waving as the rapist drives by, just so he can trash the state for poor forest management…. REALLY???

Trump reminds me of my mother and father… liars, cheaters, thief’s, abusers, and most of all cons…. Like I said my cousins just gushed over my dad after he died… You really can not fix stupid… and when I made comments to dads siblings during the death watch, the expression on their faces was priceless… come to find out, we don’t discuss the skeletons in the closet, because if they do… I might remember… so no comments came from the peanut gallery… that whole couple of weeks is drama filled and a chapter on its own… and I remember it vividly 12 years later… and that was when I knew my siblings and mother were bat shit crazy… true story… because they argued over the sex of angels???…. lol, hundreds of laughing emoji faces…

I think what gets me the most… the cousins, and we all grew up poor, some have done well, others are still living in poverty and I would prefer to be friends with the have-nots, than the ones that have all… why… religion… are we friends, I will get back to you on that… I tread water, before I touch ground… metaphorically speaking…

I have people who say they are my friend… and we have zero in common and none of them knew any of my story… and yet do I truly knows theirs??? Guess you would have to ask them what they think, I haven’t done that, never crossed my mind… funny how that works, we don’t ask if we really want to know, so we speculate…

I knew after the Bay of Pigs, my life had changed because I had been friends with my sister, but when mom became embarrassed… I never had a real friend after that… not even in marriage… because if I did, he would know all and he does not… know one does… just me….

So I sit and watch a show about unlikely animal friends and know that I have walked through life with my best friend all along….

Me… they could take my religion, my sister and memory… but they could never take me from me… My best friend… the only one I could truly trust… as I said before… trust is earned, not given and once you violate my trust and disrespect me, you have to start all over and build upon that which YOU destroyed…. they were your actions, remember that….I never forgot… nor will I ever….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…