TBI and Mental Roadblocks…

When I realized that Margie had suffered a TBI, I made myself focus on the past… Something I had not done before Nov 7, 2017… I always felt, leave the past alone, you can not change it, so why bother going there… Little did I realize that thought process is what kept me from remembering the horror of the household I grew up in…

Margie’s memories, the few I knew of, had always been the same memories, they never changed or altered… I didn’t understand that either until I was told I had PTSD in 2011…

When I stood in mom’s kitchen in 2010 and told her about the missing memory time in my childhood it was a Eureka moment… painful, so painful that I still to this day want to strangle the woman who caused me so much harm…

When she refused to answer my questions, I knew right then, at that very moment I had lost my childhood to violence because of her and her manipulative behavior… Her cruelty knows no bounds and still doesn’t to this day…

When I left Arkansas, in 2010, that was the last time I saw my mother… I will not mourn her passing… It will only be a relief to me, when she is no longer of this earth…

Accepting that I was missing most of my first 18 years, is what set me on the journey to find Margie… Only one problem… my brain, it did not want to cooperate… In fact it puts up road blocks on a regular basis and I am the one that caused that problem…

You see, when unpleasant thoughts of memories came to mind over the years, I immediately shoved them into a file cabinet in my brain, a special place I set up decades ago, so I could cope with the physical and psychological pain that my parents caused, along with a little help from a couple of siblings…

This file cabinet is what I have been trying to get access too… I know the memories are there, I see ghosts of them in my nightly nightmares…

Lately it seems I am making progress… Not a lot of progress, it’s extremely slow and exasperating progress… It’s like my brain is giving me a flash of a memory and if I accept the memory, I get more… If I do my old routine of shoving it into the file cabinet, then I know I am hitting a roadblock… of my own making…

I am only into the first 8 years of Margies life and what I have been able to see so far is horrific… something out of the Twilight Zone type of trauma… It’s very painful to wrap your head around and believe that anyone can be that cruel to a child… Yet she was… For what reason, I will never know… but the cruelty is still alive and well in her beating heart today, the woman I call mother…

As long as I am receptive to remembering and not fall back on my old habit of shoving it into the file cabinet… I will remember all of the 18 years that I have lost… I know that some of it will be so heart breaking it will take me to the pits of hell of depression… 

I have hope though… I have hope that there are good memories, though none have ever surface in the last 50 years… I still cling to hope… Without hope, I would have give up on life a very long time ago… Facing this kind of pain, I wish on no one… not even me… but it is my choice to face that pain, so that I can put the past to rest and enjoy the here and now…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

 

Author: maggi9454

Domestic violence, rape and assault are not new in America or the world... but it is accepted in the highest offices of our government in America... The catholic church, in congress and the white house... you can use and abuse people as long as you can make everyone believe the words coming out of your mouth.... My body shows the evidence of domestic violence and Air Force cover up... I am just one among millions whose government was complicit in rape and domestic violence... Until women step up and vote with their voice... Men in power, will protect men in power and do it in the name of your god and country.... Your voice, your vote...