Margie rebels….

Crawled into bed last night, tired and ready for some sleep and bang!!! Eyes wide open and brain saying I don’t think so!!!

So I challenged my brain and told it, okay, so lets focus on the near death beating in Texas in 67 that got us shipped off to Japan… and there came the roadblocks!!!

When Maggi sat down on Nov 7, 2017 and started talking about the shooting in Texas on Nov 5, 2017 by Devin and ex-Air Force member that killed 26 people, it was the first time I had truly looked at that night in Big Springs, Texas…

The memory frozen in time in a black and white picture… Dad hitting mom, mom hitting dad, my half-brother trying to break it up, my pushing the younger siblings back into their rooms and hearing their screams of terror… Seeing mom go down, then my brother and all I could think of was the baby that was the reason for the fight…

Yet it wasn’t the baby, it was mother that was the reason for the fight… As the memories slowly come back from my childhood, I see mother for what she really is and was… Manipulative… the woman was brilliant, just very twisted in her thought process and corrupted by man-made religion and her own warped sense of right and wrong…

It never was about the baby that wasn’t dad’s…. It was always about how mom wanted everything her way, in her style and in her beliefs… Even if those ideas were mentally perverse and deranged…

That night in Texas was never about the baby conceived while dad was in Vietnam… That night was about a woman who’s own troubled past clouded her thinking, her morality and her judgement…

It was all about control… She was and still is in control of that household… Even though all the kids are grown and grandparents or parents… She is still in control of them… all except one… ME…

She never could control me… Was it because I was born self-aware, high IQ and Edetic memory… I will never know that answer… When the psych evaluation in El Paso proved all those talents I have, I had my answer, yet I was unaware at that time I was missing memory.., missing memories of abuse… I was not aware that my own mother did all she could to destroy the very life she brought into this world….ME…

I am aware now… So last night was an over active brain that went to every subject under the sun except the one I wanted it to look at… The night Margie died in Big Springs, Texas 1967… I hit roadblocks…

Head trauma, according to all the text books… you either remember the before of the trauma or you remember the after of the trauma… You rarely remember the trauma..  Well I remember the before, but the after doesn’t pick up for months later after the trauma… The indention in my skull is a good indication that I may never remember… Thus the request for police records, psych records on dad in the Air Force and his military records… None of which have I looked at…

Not out of fear… but out of the desire to see the past through my own eyes, not from the perspective of anyone else, not even the records in my possession… Not yet…

I have only been on this journey for 5 months and I have many more miles to travel to understand and remember, before I give into the paper trail… 

Our move to Johnson AFB, Japan in 1968 to protect the Air Forces’ image is a key factor in remembering… Those memories are slowly surfacing…  but it is a slow and cumbersome process… One that is taxing, draining and over-whelming… but necessary…

The memories are there… I see ghosts of them nightly… It’s just convincing my brain, I am ready to see all the ugly, hateful and violent parts of them…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Author: maggi9454

Domestic violence, rape and assault are not new in America or the world... but it is accepted in the highest offices of our government in America... The catholic church, in congress and the white house... you can use and abuse people as long as you can make everyone believe the words coming out of your mouth.... My body shows the evidence of domestic violence and Air Force cover up... I am just one among millions whose government was complicit in rape and domestic violence... Until women step up and vote with their voice... Men in power, will protect men in power and do it in the name of your god and country.... Your voice, your vote...