Breaking down the road-block…

I have the before memory of the 1967/68 attack that landed my dad in a psych ward… That roadblock was never there… I had always seen the picture frozen in time in black and white… It took Devin killing 26 people in Texas to trigger that memory of a hot night in Big Springs, Texas…

It is so frustrating, I can see the night play out from the beginning and I can get the pictures to play through to my brother and I getting in on the action, trying to stop our parents from killing each other… boy was that a big mistake… should have just run out the front door screaming for help, we lived in town… 

I remember fighting for my own life and it goes blank… my next memory picks up June 1968, months after the attack and head injuries… so I was walking thru life, just not remembering any of it…

Now why June you ask… why months later do I start making memories after nearly dying… that sticks out because my grandmother had just passed away… she was Mom’s mother…. This was the first time I ever saw my mother show any real emotion for anyone other than her self… so the memory stuck… I remember that my body was still covered in bruises….

No matter how much I meditate or focus on that hot night in Big Springs, Texas… I hit a roadblock… The memory is there… I saw a glimpse of it Nov 7, 2017, when I talked about Devin and the 26 people he murdered… I was able to describe to my husband what went down that night in Big Springs, till I got to the part of me being beaten and my brain refused… it slammed that door shut so fast it left me screaming to be rescued… I haven’t been able to get that door open since that day…

I knew this would be a frustrating journey, exploring my forgotten childhood… and I get why combat veterans get frustrated, when they know they should know something…

I’m not giving up… I work at the positive aspect of this quest and keep telling myself, it will come in time… Maybe not how or when I want, but my brain has protected me my whole life… I just have to have faith in myself…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

 

Author: Adorable Spite

Domestic violence is an old song, sung thru the ages like a hymn and purported to be the way christians live their lives... full of deceit, hate, bigotry and most of all fear... It is that fear that cost me my virginity, my soul and most of all my humanity... I had to fight to keep the christians hands off my soul, but they stole from my body and so did the U. S. Air Force... Rape and attempted murder... but image was more important... Vance AFB and Webb AFB... #WhyIDidntTell #MeToo TimesUP, Circle of Silence is no more....