Breaking down the road-block…

I have the before memory of the 1967/68 attack that landed my dad in a psych ward… That roadblock was never there… I had always seen the picture frozen in time in black and white… It took Devin killing 26 people in Texas to trigger that memory of a hot night in Big Springs, Texas…

It is so frustrating, I can see the night play out from the beginning and I can get the pictures to play through to my brother and I getting in on the action, trying to stop our parents from killing each other… boy was that a big mistake… should have just run out the front door screaming for help, we lived in town… 

I remember fighting for my own life and it goes blank… my next memory picks up June 1968, months after the attack and head injuries… so I was walking thru life, just not remembering any of it…

Now why June you ask… why months later do I start making memories after nearly dying… that sticks out because my grandmother had just passed away… she was Mom’s mother…. This was the first time I ever saw my mother show any real emotion for anyone other than her self… so the memory stuck… I remember that my body was still covered in bruises….

No matter how much I meditate or focus on that hot night in Big Springs, Texas… I hit a roadblock… The memory is there… I saw a glimpse of it Nov 7, 2017, when I talked about Devin and the 26 people he murdered… I was able to describe to my husband what went down that night in Big Springs, till I got to the part of me being beaten and my brain refused… it slammed that door shut so fast it left me screaming to be rescued… I haven’t been able to get that door open since that day…

I knew this would be a frustrating journey, exploring my forgotten childhood… and I get why combat veterans get frustrated, when they know they should know something…

I’m not giving up… I work at the positive aspect of this quest and keep telling myself, it will come in time… Maybe not how or when I want, but my brain has protected me my whole life… I just have to have faith in myself…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….