Fear is the Mind Killer…

Fear is ever-present in this process… Maybe not for those whose own memory loss was due to medical issues and not violence… Those of us who experienced violence in such terrifying moments in our lives, fear of remembering that horror can be debilitating…

I find myself on occasion thinking of other avenues of escape… just so I won’t have to face the memories of the past… If I had an addictive personality I would use what ever substance there was to escape the coming reality of my nightmares… but, I am not… 

No I found my brain to be more powerful than any substance out there… not that I tried those substances… but the few I did try, did nothing for me… I could take myself to another place and time by just switching the mechanism on in my head… my favorite escape route…only one problem… that escape route is what imprisoned Margie…

When I first got my memory back of the Texas incident… I felt liberated and then it hit me… what if the rest of the missing memory is as ugly as the Texas one??? What then??? and I found myself reverting to my old habit of disconnecting to the reality of what was and tried dressing it up so I could handle it better…

As the time goes by, I see the fear and instead of playing the game of hide and seek with it… I am taking it by the hand and not letting go… It’s draining, but for some reason, my brain is giving me short breaks and the nightmares are more along the line of looking at old movies… some good things, but mostly bad…

I know in writing my book, it will take me a couple of years… only because I have to return to the mainland to do some of the walk down memory lane…by going back to the scene of the crimes…

The little bit of help I got from mental health was what I needed to see and embrace the next phase of this journey to finding Margie… taking the jail cell apart one brick at a time… 

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Author: Adorable Spite

Domestic violence is an old song, sung thru the ages like a hymn and purported to be the way christians live their lives... full of deceit, hate, bigotry and most of all fear... It is that fear that cost me my virginity, my soul and most of all my humanity... I had to fight to keep the christians hands off my soul, but they stole from my body and so did the U. S. Air Force... Rape and attempted murder... but image was more important... Vance AFB and Webb AFB... #WhyIDidntTell #MeToo TimesUP, Circle of Silence is no more....