New Dreams become suspect…

Even I can feel the difference… It is a calm peace, I am guessing this is what they call acceptance for what you can not change…

PTSD is a weird disorder to have and I think that is what is melting away… not completely… no there is still some residual anger and confusion… and now with the advent of new dreams a touch of chaos has come back into the picture… but… I am aware of it… that is the difference…

I am not dis-associating with my past… I am not allowing Margie to run back to her safe zone, her little jail cell… no, when the thoughts or memories pop up, I don’t push them away… instead I force myself to look at them…

Not always successful… failure is a big part of this journey to remember Margie… I am realistic enough to know that super woman I am not, educated enough to understand I am not and most of all… it’s only been 6 months since I woke up from this nightmare…

From my perspective I have made headway into unlocking the past… got a little help from the pros… the med docs are trying to figure the rest out… patience, not a virtue in my world… more of annoying or as we say in the military… hurry up and wait… and wait…

The new dreams make for some disruption in my day… it causes me to flash on a memory from the past… after a while you are so tired, you need a power nap… to bad our brains don’t come with back up batteries…

What the new dreams tell me is that there are repressed memories and my mind is ever so slowly opening up to let Margie be heard… makes for some real lousy headaches… Yet the dreams are a view of what my birth family were really like, with the rose-colored glass’ in the trash and only clear lens viewing from now on… that… is what I think is giving me peace of mind… Why??? Because I am not running from it, I am running to it…

We are working hard to return to the mainland next year, if at all possible… I have many places to visit, to see if it will trigger more memories…

The more I read about PTSD and TBI… the more I realize, the specialist are learning as they go… some day, I hope to get the scan of my brain… either way in life or death… it will be documented how I survived so many assaults and still was able to scratch out a living… Only time will tell…

The stress of Pele, spewing lava about 10 miles from our house is a little stimulating… but… I was in the military and prepared we always have been for this life style… It’s been a roller coaster at our house, but no damage… just VOG… We had AC installed last week, so that we can close up when it gets bad…

Think of those in lava zone 1 & 2… some have lost everything they ever worked for, plus their homes…. We are in zone 3 and reasonably safe…

Mahalo for reading my story…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember…

Author: Adorable Spite

Domestic violence is an old song, sung thru the ages like a hymn and purported to be the way christians live their lives... full of deceit, hate, bigotry and most of all fear... It is that fear that cost me my virginity, my soul and most of all my humanity... I had to fight to keep the christians hands off my soul, but they stole from my body and so did the U. S. Air Force... Rape and attempted murder... but image was more important... Vance AFB and Webb AFB... #WhyIDidntTell #MeToo TimesUP, Circle of Silence is no more....