I Don’t Remember….

Wow… last night, what an eye opener, that left my body drained as if I just went on one hell of a drinking binge or just ran 3 miles or just happen to be sitting at my desk… the over load of my central nervous system… Its called neuropathy and after thinking about last nights incident… Hubby and I started going backwards and recounted the times it happened before and we can count one incident for every year and I was able to track it back to the first incident at suicide cliff on Okinawa, I was 17 years old and I was recovering from another blow to my brain a few months earlier… This is when the body wide neuropathy happened and the next 47 years of mis-diagnosis by U. S. Air Force doctors and Veterans doctors…. 47 years of improper health care at the hands of the military and the VA… and I am not surprised… Just relieved at knowing when the illness started and what the cause was….

After the doctor I have here on Hawaii started ordering tests… they didn’t go as fast as I wanted… red tape, approval from TRI West and VA approval… but be a woman veteran and you might as well be invisible… but to my civilian doctor I was a real person with real issues and she listened and I finally got my answers….

All the testing showed, genetic, blood, x-rays, neurological, nerve conduction and psychological… all the test showed… they have no clue why I have the illness, which is why they call it idiopathic… So once you eliminate all the causes and all you are left is the evidence of blunt force trauma to a child with no follow-up health care… this is the end result of “Domestic Violence”… nothing more and nothing less… this is strictly the cause of a man and woman warped with man-made religion who thought the children they gave life to were nothing more than puppets to be used as they pleased… and if that meant beating them to oblivion… then that is exactly what they both did…

So where does that leave me… well it means I will be exercising more than I like and it means that I no longer question the numbness I feel through out my whole body when it freaks out and it means I don’t have to be afraid of unknown illness’ that could snuff out my light… nope that one is up to nature…. 

Knowledge is power and the knowledge of how I got to this point in my life physically, I know how to deal with it and hopefully improve on it just a little… as for my psyche… its healing… the nightmares are more along the lines of dreams… just showing my past a little at a time as I sleep… allowing it to come back into my waking mind…

It’s weird how the last 64 years have gone by in a flash, yet I feel as if it was just yesterday for my childhood… I guess in a way you could say I am lucky… I get to relive my childhood again, some will be good and some will be sad… none will be bad… those thoughts and feelings are melting away as they should… the healing is ongoing….

I will always wear the scars of what happened… they make me who I am… the memories will fade a little, but not much… as the chaos melts away, my memory ability becomes more focused… it will never be as good as it once was… there is damage to the brain… Only time will tell if I have CTE….

2014 May 14 -

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..