Adjusting to this Reality…

This reality is not what I expected… You know that romantic idea of the Brady bunch or Leave it to Beaver type home life… Those thoughts are the result of false memories planted by my siblings and parents… Though when the last parent is dead… I wonder how long it will take the idiots I call siblings to realize they had been lied to their whole life??? Ya know, not going to happen… they are religious and refuse to question fiction over facts… You really can’t fix stupid without going to jail…

As I keep the family at arm’s length and I have no drama from my own immediate family… it makes it easier for me to work my way through all that I am experiencing in remembering my past…

Now for those who are hoping I get all my memories back, because that is your goal also… sorry to disappoint… but I have resigned myself to being hypnotized when we get back to Washington and I get in the Spokane VA system… that is when I will know for sure if I have permanent memory loss or if the memories were just suppressed… 

I have already experienced some memories coming back… The Big Springs, Texas event… where Margie died… The Johnson AFB rice patty housing event…. on Japan and the event on Okinawa in 71…

As for the memories from my earlier childhood… will leave that mystery for the book… while mother is living… I will not be as cruel as her… I can wait… Time is on my side… not hers…

It’s weird how the paranoia just melted away… when I look at it now, I have to laugh… but during the time of not knowing… everyone and everything was suspect… and all my mother had to do was tell me what happened… she refused… 

As for the depression… it too has gone away… I am dreaming at night… but last night I couldn’t tell you what it was I dreamed, as it should be…

The constant tightness in my shoulders is gone and the weight I have been carrying around since I was 6 years old is gone…

I have to give credit to all the psychology I read on PTSD and the clinical nurse here on Hawaii… The information and tools that was provided to me… allowed me to get where I am today… PTSD free…. They are right… once you own the nightmare of the past or incident or combat or assault… once you own it and take control of the memory…. you become whole…

You will never forget… no, how you deal with it once you own it… that is as individual a choice as it gets… How I chose to walk this next leg of the journey works for me and may not work for you… My experiences are not your experiences… But I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter….

It’s a peace inside that you know you once had before the event happened… before the memory became your nightmare… you had a peace… it’s there… just don’t give up… it took me 57 years to find mine… and I will never let it go…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Author: maggi9454

My earliest memory is before the age of 2... by the time I was 13, I had no childhood memories... No holidays, no birthdays... On 11/5/17 a shooter in Texas changed all that... It triggered my memories from my 13th year... The Air Force covered it up an it happened in Big Springs, Texas 1967... Domestic violence, PTSD, TBI and I too served in the Air Force 10 years later... This is my story to remember what was stolen...