Hubby has been with me through all the angst for the last 24 years and he heard all the stories from the first 40 years…. and even he notices the changes and he made this comment… he said, “you know, you wrote about a normal life, honey, you have never lived a normal life”…. I busted out laughing… He’s right… I have not lived a life-like the average American… I have made the right choices because I faced my fears a long time ago…. I have lived my life, letting my shadow follow me… I fought to not fear life, but live it…
I have been struggling with how to write the beginning of my book… there are so many stories with good choices and bad choices… many lovers, many countries and most of all many people have walked beside me in life… So how and were to begin is my struggle…
My birth family has this fantasy about my life, that I giggle over every time one of my nieces or nephews tell a story, which is all it is… a story… no one ever asked me about my life after I left home and now we know why… to keep the secret of the domestic violence and the main player being mother….. so because I did not share my life with any of them, they have their own ideas about my life with a taint of their corrupt thought process… by which they can’t comprehend I didn’t make the same life choices they did… I chose the path of light, not darkness….
Doesn’t mean the influence wasn’t there, it was and Margie fought against me every step of the way… screaming at me, when I started to make a poor choice and curling up in a ball in her cell sobbing hysterically when I made the wrong choice…. the battle raged on until Nov 7, 2017 when I remembered Big Springs, Texas… the night Margie died…..
The habits that I allowed into my life by the family influence are the ones melting away… this is why I am not in a hurry to move home to Washington… I still have more work to do… It only takes a week to form a habit, but it can take weeks if not months to break the pattern of abuse…. Have to admit, there have been no issues for several months now… and there have been moments when I would have exploded, regardless of consequences… it takes time to heal 64 years of abuse, not going to happen over night…..
I have never done the revenge thing people do… No I wait for the opportunity to make it a teachable moment… Either you learn or you continue down the dark path… always about choice… I chose mine… You have to pick your own ….
As the negative side of my birth family leaves me it makes me stronger… Will I ever have anything to do with my mother, no… she died that day in the kitchen when I asked about my missing memory… I saw her for what she is… a manipulator and very mentally ill woman, whose legacy will not be discussed in our home… it will be forgotten…. but the lesson from it all will be shared, so that my family does not make the same mistakes…. So that we grow as a people and leave violence for nature…
Without the Circle of Silence…..