It was a nice drive to the other side of the island, was nice having a good signal to upload some pictures as we drove across Mauna Kea… The sky was brilliant blue and when you looked south of the island you could see the storm building from hurricane Lane, which so far is going to miss us… Never dull living on Hawaii….
Though the day was gorgeous I struggled to maintain my body today… Autonomic neuropathy is an illness that makes you feel as if you are pregnant all the time with the worse kind of symptoms possible… I am hoping this is a passing phase that will back off when the weather cools to what we consider fall temperatures….
I am counting the days till we leave and I can enjoy all 4 seasons outside my front door… I have become a prisoner of air conditioning and I hate air conditioning… prefer my house open to nature….
The depression that has been with me for so long, does seem to be gone… I am sad, but not depressed… Sadness pass’, depression hangs on…. I am as active as my body allows me right now, smoking a bowl seems to help, but it also can mask the things I need to be aware of, double edge sword using it, but better than medication….
No nightmares, does not mean I am not dreaming… I am, it’s just not PTSD intense, its more of the brain relaxing its hold on my memories and it is not upsetting like it used to be… I have seen more of my childhood, but again, they are memories that I always knew about, they are just connected to the negative memories… so there is some continuity with the memories… Not as fractured as it was before I woke up Nov 7, 2017….
It’s a sobering realization that the illness that I have been fighting my whole life, was given to me by blunt force trauma by adults… that say they are christian… Never met anyone on this planet that was a true practitioner of christianity, not one human being and I have met hundreds of thousands in my travels and government jobs… Never met anyone who truly lived, breath and practiced what they believed… No one… It’s always about image and not faith….