Tears streaming down my face, sobs escaping my lips… I got my answer… my aha moment on my memories… I can see them… All of them… I know now how to open them… but I am afraid as the tears flow without hesitating… I have my answer…. but fear is standing in my way…. but, I know what I have to do… do I have the courage to go there???
I know what is waiting for me…. it happened when I wrote about childbirth and Margies song… it triggered the aha moment… but I am afraid… and for good reason….
I take a deep breath and gather my courage, because that is what it is going to take… All of my courage… so, what is it??? What was the aha moment that opened up my memories and stopped them from being repressed…. Margie is jumping up and down inside me… my heart is racing and I am shaking, making it so very hard to write and see the screen through my tears…
Tears of happiness and tears of fear…. I know what I have to do to get to the rest of Margies song….
I will have to relive every attack…. As with remembering the memory of what happened while I was at basic training… I relived that moment in time… the pain, the tears the sobbing in the billet at Travis, because I had to leave my children with people I didn’t know or trust… my mother and sister….
I will have to relive every memory of abuse… I will feel every blow and I will hear every word… it is my burden, because my mother and sister and brother refuse to let truth leave their lips… because they are afraid that I will remember all the ugly things they did, while the hide behind their god….
I will have to relive every attack, so that Margies song can be sung around the world…
I am afraid… Fear is the mind killer, I will face my fear and let it pass through me and only I will remain….
This will be the hardest journey I have ever walked as I dry my tears and calm my heart… I have to do this for Margies song….