Repressed Memories…

Memories like the corner of my mind…….. don’t know when that song came out, but I always liked it and used it for a trigger….

When the shrink at the El Paso VA confirmed what I already knew about my IQ… it still takes me a moment to realize how the people in mental health in the Air Force covered up so much stuff… rape, attempted murder, incest, domestic violence… They must of had a system in place they used for a long time… because on Nov 5, 2017 a young man kicked out of the Air Force murdered 26 people in a little town in Texas… so, my story is absolutely no exception…it is just one of millions…. mine dates back to 1954…

How do I know I have repressed memories… because I let Margie have control… she had control from the time she understood what she needed to do to survive in the christian Air Force house… not home… it can never be called that… it was a stage for two adults to put on the performance of a lifetime… just like Trump and Kavanaugh and Moore are doing…

As for the memories… as the ugly portion of my childhood reveals its self to me… I can see where I consciously took the memory and buried it deep in my brain and I put a wall up around the memory, then I practice a meditation technique that I didn’t know was one and it pushed the memory even deeper… until at last, the memory could not come forward and made every effort, in every second of my life to keep those memories buried…

It only takes me putting on a shirt and the collar is too close to my neck and the image of the person trying to strangle me comes to mind… explains why I refuse to own turtle neck shirts or wear choker necklaces…. or it can be simply picking up a can of salmon an my mind will flash to a memory that is uncomfortable and I buy the salmon in the hopes it will trigger more memory… or it can be an old car drive down the road or the car we just bought, and the back window opens like they did in the old station wagons of my youth….we had one…

The memories are there and they are pealing back a layer at a time… it only takes a glimpse of the memory for the whole memory to come forward….

I used to imagine what could have been if my brain had never been injured and my soul not imprisoned… I used to do that when I ignored Margie banging on her cell door and then she started singing… telling me her story a little at a time, so as not to frighten me away….

The trauma of the GOP attacking rape victims and then our own president… takes me back to my board hearing in front of nothing but men and some lied… so as to protect the rapist and first sergeant… and the women I worked with told me straight up they envied my life…

My life… rape at 11 and many times up to 40… I have been assaulted, even when married… I was beaten so badly, it took the doctors 40 years after I started my search to get answers… the brain is my final one… do I have CTE??? They envied my life of constant non stop pain… you could not see the damage, all they saw is the picture you see… they saw a body, not a person…

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My life was controlled by those in power, until I took the power from them… and I have fought every day since to be heard… I went to a Spokane news station, they were not interested in my story… I contacted the FBI… that was a joke….

Men in power protecting men in power… I so hope they burn in hell…. or just drop dead…

an, I hope someday,  not to flinch everytime someone tries to touch me…

TimesUp #MeToo Why I Didn’t Tell

I Remember… Margie….

Author: maggi9454

Domestic violence, rape and assault are not new in America or the world... but it is accepted in the highest offices of our government in America... The catholic church, in congress and the white house... you can use and abuse people as long as you can make everyone believe the words coming out of your mouth.... My body shows the evidence of domestic violence and Air Force cover up... I am just one among millions whose government was complicit in rape and domestic violence... Until women step up and vote with their voice... Men in power, will protect men in power and do it in the name of your god and country.... Your voice, your vote...