PTSD & Sleep….

I have had nightmares for as long as I can remember… and my mother told me once, just before the Texas beating… that I talked in my sleep… now it’s just a mumble if I am drifting off to sleep and not coherent….

The nightmares go back to the first beating around the age of 6… The TV interview and branded into my brain, not to talk about my siblings… though they probably didn’t notice anything different in my behavior…it was after all, survival of the fittest in our household… looks like I won… I am the only one not into cult behavior of religion… I believe in me and trusted me… not some fictious god…

As for the sleep… I know my sleep didn’t become an issue, as far as insomnia or staying asleep, that issue reared its ugly head after our trip to Arkansas for me to see the family after 13 years of traveling and moving because of federal jobs…. and I guess you could say, just being around the ones that were there… was enough for me to recognize, something was very off in our relationship…. thus the journey to figure it out with the VA mental health… and that ladies and gentlemen is when I realized just how screwed up our VA system was and still is and they never helped me in any way to get my answers… that didn’t happen until I moved to Hawaii and 22 years later… I have them… answers that is… not health care…

By the time we moved here, I had already conquered the insomnia… the nightmares, that took a little longer… when the shooter in Texas on Nov 5, 2017 murdered so many, it caught my attention because, Air Force, Texas and deadly assault and military cover up… and two days later, I woke up from my nightmare that my own parents put upon me, because of a child not of my dads blood and I paid the price… a very high price for a secret that never was… nor has it ever been, just in the minds of the beaters…..

Did a little mental health counseling after that moment… worked real hard to understand what I was remembering and incorporate those memories into my waking mind and we are at the point in time… nightmares, haven’t had any in so long, it tells me, I have remembered all I am going to remember… and hypnosis is my last step in this journey to remember Margies song… and hear it loud and clear, with no more gray areas that pass like fog in the night, giving me a glimpse and the picture disperses, taking the image with it…

The memories of the violence are there, I can see them and at times I can almost smell, hear and touch the memory and its gone… I know trauma memories can be the hardest to see… I have had several good memories come forward, so I know the bad ones are there too… I wish I could say the good ones were natural, but the good memories always come after violence…. those who have lived this know the answer, some may not… this is why the good memories are always connected to the bad….

Good memories after violence is the typical, “I am sorry behavior” and “I won’t hurt you again behavior”… in other words… they tried buying us off, with little gifts or letting us do something that usually didn’t cost anything or taking us on those very rare trips to do something… I say us… when in reality, my sister was allowed to do many things earlier than I was… as the oldest, it should have been the other way around… but that is what is special about remembering… you see the people for what they really are and not the act they put on for everyone else….

Any good memories I have are connected to violence… Eidetic memory ability… I was really hoping lately that I didn’t have it, I mean come on, we are growing some of the best pot for pain and medical issues… it does more than block my pain…. it turns me into one big goofball… told you Margie would get me into trouble… but Mike is loving it… but no good memories without the bad ones… which again, I hoped it would not be so…

No more nightmares, no more anger out burst unless I am hungry and no more getting up at night and munching…. as it stands now…

Depression 0…. Nightmares 0….. Anger issues 1 or 2 maybe… I am human you know….

Is it over for me yet… no… I still have repressed memories of the violent attacks… I may never get those memories back if the loss is permanent… won’t know that, till I see one more shrink in Washington and do the hypnosis…

Time, it’s on my side and my mind is open to remembering… hopefully something will trigger those few last memories I am trying to see… always with brain injury, you may not remember the before or the incident or the after… if you remember any of it all, you have hope… if you remember none of it what so ever… you are the rare jewel, with permanent loss… I hope that I am one of the lucky ones and it’s just a matter of when… not IF…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Author: maggi9454

Domestic violence, rape and assault are not new in America or the world... but it is accepted in the highest offices of our government in America... The catholic church, in congress and the white house... you can use and abuse people as long as you can make everyone believe the words coming out of your mouth.... My body shows the evidence of domestic violence and Air Force cover up... I am just one among millions whose government was complicit in rape and domestic violence... Until women step up and vote with their voice... Men in power, will protect men in power and do it in the name of your god and country.... Your voice, your vote...

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