Work in Progress, I think….

Over thinking… I call it meditation… Where I go off in my own world and look at the moments that have come and gone…. I don’t do it everyday… I save that kind of thinking, when I am trying to solve a puzzle… I used to love games and anything that involved problem solving… I was always looking for an imaginative way to handle the domestic violence and rapes of my youth… 

I tried the religion thing, but after Margie realized that the religion thing was nothing more than a control mechanism… she fought to learn… a struggle at first, the brain for ever healing after so many assaults upon it… the body compensating for the damage to it… always was it this way for the first 40 years of my life… the bone scans prove that… and all the psych testing with different results after 96… it was 96 when we went to Arkansas… and the brain started waking up… by 2011 psych eval, it was awake and fighting for answers….

So many things over the decades that happened and I just filed the information away…. until it made sense…. Chaos, the hardest part of PTSD and TBI… chaos… and if you have been there, you so get what I mean… Your mind is at war and you are constantly fighting the smoke screen the brain produces while you are in the twilight zone of PTSD and TBI… I so get, I really and truly do…. and I get why suicide is so high in the military… Psychology let them down… I am so very grateful to being self-aware and the intelligence to recognize… so many will never have what I have and the mental health world will let them down…. it happens every day… we lose another veteran to suicide….

Work in progress, most definitely… learning to recognize my anger triggers, are 99% hunger… fighting anorexia is a life time battle, one that is not winning right now… I am in control this time…

Outside stimuli, yep, it can be a negative impact… only because we are struggling to decide where to make our final home at… bigotry is so prevalent in our world and I started seeking isolation decades ago… yet sometimes I miss the world and then I go out in it and I am ready to go back to my little piece of paradise, when its quiet…..

Work in progress it will be the rest of my life… I have many years of memories to look at and understand… many of those memories played a pivotal role in the walk I took through life… many of my choices about food, people, and what I consider my space…. those choices have been directional in my life and some of them are not good, in the way they help me enjoy my solitude and isolation… yet I prefer the quiet of my world… it allows me to think when I want… 

When you have given so much of yourself… after 64 years…. I am working very hard to be selfish for myself and my hubby…. romantic ideas about family and spending time together… nothing changed when we went home in 13/14… we were the ones that tried to get together with all… they were too busy to find time for us, unless we arranged for it and paid for it… that is a cycle that can not be repeated….

What we sacrificed for our parents we will not get back… that time in America is fast fading and the family unit has changed in so many ways… as with Japan in the 60’s when women walked behind the men… when  I went back to the same area in the 80’s, the women walked beside or any place they chose….

Values, morales, ethics change, because ideology changes… without the family unit and its influence… we are more individual than ever and more alone and isolated…. they say because of electronic devices… I say it’s because the values I grew up with are not the values my children or their children will abide by….

Life changes, wants, needs, and desires change… Beliefs, well those are so mired in superstitious voodoo or christianity, only people can decide what to believe… that is if they bother to really think… simple minded is the words that the professionals use… yet some of those same professionals… believe in what they can not see, touch or smell… 

If you can see it, touch it, smell it… then its real… If all you do is believe in your brain… it is still real… but only to you…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..