Mental Illness not of your making…

Bad dreams, leave for a bad attitude, till I figure out what the hell pissed me off and pissed off I am, but no clue what I saw during the PTSD nightmare scenario….

It’s a pattern that is becoming familiar… instead of me having vivid dreams at night reliving the attacks by my mother and father… I will dream, not nightmare it… and during the day, if the brain is relaxed…. a hint of the memory will flash before my eyes like a little video clip and its gone…

If I am aware when it happens, I can grab it and look at it and see if it is a real memory or just a dream…. always about color… if it is false it will come into view black and white… and that is for a reason believe it or not… the first attack, I had my hands on the screen of an old black and white TV circa 1955…. don’t ask me… but my brain imprinted and that is the way I see false memories… told you the brain was beyond weird…. I was about 18 months old…. and that memory has always rock and rolled in full Technicolor… even at that age…

As for the real memory, it will come into play in color… sometimes its just a frame or two before it will go video and let me see the whole memory… and that can take an hour or days or weeks… Margie is in control of that part of this…. she shows me only as much as I can handle… vulnerable I still am, emotionally and mentally…. it’s a lot to absorb, knowing your birth family tried to end your life and steal it… just to protect the image of “good christian family”… don’t think it worked, the town they live in, the people have lots to say about that family…. and I mean lots… no one, but one person knew I was related and she never spilled the beans till we moved in 2010… wish I could have been a fly on that wall of the beauty salon…. her hubby wouldn’t believe that I was the oldest of Don’s kids… still smile over his expressions….. my hubby tells it better….

Mental illness is all over the web for support and abuse…. I keep my friends list below 25… tired of bigotry, even when they don’t realize they are being bigots… called becoming self-aware, so you treat the world the way you want to be treated…. that is a hope…

I have known, since I was a child, that something was wrong… I knew it after the Texas beating and the near death…. I was only 13… and I knew my life had changed and the mental illness took hold in a way that should have been seen by the professionals instead… all they saw was this woman and called her bitch… because how could anyone who looks like this, be suffering from PTSD???? They judged by my looks and not my cry for help… USAF psychiatrist at Sheppard AFB, Texas was the first to label me, instead of help me… how many combat veterans did he send to their grave…. how many?????

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Always about honesty when it comes to health care and I am a walking example of what powerful men do to protect powerful men… most who hurt me, can not even wipe their ass… and so it should be… their old age, will give back to them, the hate they gave to me… just because I said NO… not to just one doctor, but several… because it wasn’t my mind they wanted to help… they wanted my body and I said NO… I paid a high price for my values and ethics… and so did my children….

Articulating when I go into a doctor’s office is beyond difficult for me… they never give me enough time to talk and explain or give background info…its in and out, because it is a business and not health care….

I didn’t ask for this life… it was handed to me the first time I talked about my younger sister with precocious condition…. I was beaten so severely, to this day, I cannot get on my knees and play with my grandkids… that was 58 years ago, and yesterday I couldn’t take the pain on the bone as I crawled on carpet painting the base board… never have been able to tolerate my weight on that area of my body… that ended when I was 6 years old, playing on my knees, which is so much of being a kid…

So, yes, some of us are given mental illness because others think they have a say in our lives… some of us volunteer for the military to protect the land we love and life deals a harsh blow…. but the majority of us… just want our lives back….

That is all I have ever fought for since it was taken at 6 years old…. take my life back from a christian cult that went out of its way to destroy my life… oh I know… the devil made them do it… you really can not fix stupid…just look at Trump!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Author: maggi9454

Margie was born into a typical christian military family... Her story is anything but typical... Domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and all done while my dad served in the U. S. Air Force and they buried the truth... then my own children impacted by Air Force cover up while I am active duty.... Rape, Attempted murder, domestic violence and discrimination in the name of the United States Government... and it is still happening as I write... just look at Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas.... Circle of Silence is no more....