Looking for a little peace….

Long weekend over and digesting the news that the El Paso VA psychiatrist was 100% right with the PTSD diagnosis… and now you are going why would I have questioned that…

Easy… I was never told… the only reason I found out I had PTSD, I requested a copy of the evaluation connected to my VA appeal and I got the doctors report…

Never got one phone call from the VA to see if I wanted counseling… Never got one phone call from the VA on the sexual assaults… need I go on??? That is VA health care and has been since I started making use in 1984… and it will never get better and more vets will take their own lives because the government is now about party and not America…. Civil war may have cost many lives… but party will destroy us, IF we let it….

I have played over and over in my head, how I will handle the appointment the 24th and pretty much, just going to let the doc have her say, then I will tell her she can search my VA records for the information she did not want to hear Friday night and when she finds it… then we can discuss the next step in my care….

Keep in mind, I have all my records from 1972 to now… and it took me months to find the test from Oregon and the Social Security EEG…. which she does not have access too…just the VA records is all she can see…. they really hate when you are smarter than them… and hubby, he just waits for me to put them in their place before I walk out the door permanently…. this time… it will be next year, before I do that… but she won’t like the 24th… the doc that is… 

As for me… I intend to take some down time from all the medical stuff I have been going through for the last year… I need to regroup, refresh my memory on my medical profile and ensure that un-necessary test are not ordered or repeated….. when you have 10,000 + pages to review… you fall asleep sometimes… it’s that boring… yea I am motivated… but remember, vision issues…. so it takes me longer to see and read…. 

This would all play out so differently if I had not gotten my memories back… I promise you, I would have bailed on the doctor after her attack and I would have just done without the thyroid med and cholesterol med… yep, cut my nose off to spite my face type routine… that is TBI in a nutshell if you are not aware… 

I am aware… I told hubby something last night that took him by surprise… please understand, I am still working my way through all the information and memories hitting me all at once… so contradict I might…. its called chaos and TBI & PTSD are experts at that…

I always wondered why I had such a hard time remembering my childhood and really never put much thought into it, until I started working on a VA appeal and had to read old psych exams… and that got me thinking… I didn’t meet the profile for mood disorder… so I started researching and studying and most of all learning all I could about the brain and memories….

So, on the day I confronted my mother, I knew that when we left, I would never see the woman again and I just thought, okay, lets pull some psychology on her and see what happens… I was always suspicious of her, because I caught her in so many lies… so I simply stated…

Me… Mom… I am missing memory from my childhood….

Mom… Some things are best not remembered…. refusing to look at me as she said those words and my heart sank….

I knew in that moment, as the rage and wave of nausea over came me and I felt my heart race and my skin grow clammy….

I had suffered a TBI and not once, but multiple times… in that flash of a moment, 3 attacks flashed before my eyes and I could not get out of her house fast enough… and I still had to play nice till we left town… hardest performance I ever did… be nice to the people who tried to kill me and raped my child… my birth family…

I didn’t speak of it for 8 years and last night… I told Mike how I finally knew what was wrong with me and when the true journey began… that day in moms kitchen…

Mother told me I was missing memory… I was just suspicious…. the Psych eval the following year confirmed it… PTSD related to my illness…. and we didn’t know at that time when I took the test that I was right… I did not tell that doc… I took the test in the hope it would be very different from the rest… because when it came down to it… 

My knowing I was missing memory is what changed the outcome of that psych test… I finally knew, my family stole my life and never intended to give it back to me…

So I turned the tables on them and I am a work in progress and will be the rest of my life… 63 years of abuse… and abuse comes in so many forms… 63 years of lies and in the end… the attacker, was the one to give me my life back…. that was when the cell of Margies door unlocked and she started singing instead of humming….

Maybe some day her voice will be heard around the world…. Slavery in America is alive and well and its name… CHRISTIANITY…. in the guise of religion to control what you never had a right to control….

My Life….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Author: maggi9454

Margie was born into a typical christian military family... Her story is anything but typical... Domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and all done while my dad served in the U. S. Air Force and they buried the truth... then my own children impacted by Air Force cover up while I am active duty.... Rape, Attempted murder, domestic violence and discrimination in the name of the United States Government... and it is still happening as I write... just look at Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas.... Circle of Silence is no more....