Memories… like the corners of my mind…

I personally think, though I doubt Mike would argue with me… he is ready for me to shut up!!! I mean for real…

Last night, after a full day of painting to finish the last room, do my chores and fix our meals… I was ready for bed… and it was a rough night with lots of tossing and turning and you got it… dreams….

I look up for a second and see a beautiful rainbow out my window and I am reminded, every day is a new day for me… because…. so much is happening at one time and all at once and it is a file full of mild chaos as my brain works to put the memories into their chronological order….

One thing about TBI and PTSD, they do not play well together and it is a battle to wade through the chaos and when the aha moments happen… then I can’t shut up and hubby just shakes his head in agreement as his eyes roll back into his head…. okay exaggerated a bit… but you have to understand please…. I am remembering my first 18 years of life and as that gets in order… so does the rest of my life…

I haven’t been living life… I have been walking through life, not participating… just doing what was expected…. 

That all changed Nov 7, 2017…..

I am dreaming of the road trip and so hoping that everything works in our favor as far as timing goes…. I need to visit agencies and go personally to the hall of records and Arkansas and get other documents at the state office…. I have much to do, before the final chapter can be written in Margies song… I think the anticipation is starting to build… thus why the lousy sleep last night… we are almost done, with the work on the house… Then its just wait for my check to arrive and all hell breaks loose… an before you ask… no I can not do things via internet… cell phone, hot spot… not super secure… I do live near the recent lava flow…

As for the memories…. I hunted for the good ones and when I focused on the memory, the rest of it played out and it was always connected to violence…. there are moments I am glad I do not remember all of the house of horrors… looking at my siblings… I am not the only one negatively impacted by mom & dad and religion…. their very lives show that, and their choices….

When I left home, all but the oldest sibling was living at home… that means from 1972 until those kids became adults… she worked her magic and spells…. from what I have been able to find out about mother… the stories she tells about her youth are not truthful and it was a lot worse than she ever mentioned… it could explain why she took the path she did in life… does not excuse her choices… just shows that mental illness started long before she became an adult…. thus the road trip… I have lots to investigate…

As for the memories I am dealing with…. they are filling in the gaps of my childhood… do I think that the doc at El Paso was right about Eidetic memory… you got me…. that is one confusing subject and I am absorbing so much information now… it’s a subject that is on the back burner…. As for how I make memories, now that is a subject I would like to pursue… EEG has shown abnormal brain waves at least once, an that was recent… reading the report from 98, it doesn’t say EEG, but talks about paper test… so I think I am missing a piece of that record…. so it has me thinking I may make memories differently, because of all the head trauma…. but again, not sure… dealing with a lot of chaos because so much is coming in…. and trying to file it under its proper time period… is the hardest….

A few days off from remodeling… picking up saw blades, so we can remove the laminate flooring… the idiots went under the kitchen cabinets, instead of doing it right… so that will be are hardest task, if the floor is fully under the one section… then its inspect the foundation, since we had a 6.9 earthquake during the eruption… it hit us hard, but no visible cracks in walls, but foundation, you just never know…

Enough of the whining…. I am tired… physically and mentally…. this is not an easy task, doing it on your own… so lots of debating going on inside my brain… making sure, what I see is accurate and not a fake story my brain latched on to…

Again its a peace I haven’t felt since I was a little girl…. I will never understand how my parents got away with it… but you read stories in forensics all the time of this kind of abuse and it has gone on for centuries…. and all done in the name of an invisible god… One thing is for sure… I really do not want to do this remodel thing ever again…. been doing it since 96… and I am over it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Author: maggi9454

Margie was born into a typical christian military family... Her story is anything but typical... Domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and all done while my dad served in the U. S. Air Force and they buried the truth... then my own children impacted by Air Force cover up while I am active duty.... Rape, Attempted murder, domestic violence and discrimination in the name of the United States Government... and it is still happening as I write... just look at Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas.... Circle of Silence is no more....