Texas gets closer…..

When exhausted and everything hurts, because you forgot you had muscles, tendons, nerves and used that part of the body… boy am I out of shape…. and last night, hurt I did and to late to take a NSAID, as I was already in bed…. so suffered I did….but in the end, I got something out of last nights pain….

The memory of me asking my mother if I can get in bed with her, is one that has bugged me for decades and I have been trying to figure out, where, when and most of all why the memory was important….

The baby not of my dads blood…. is the key…. I had been having nightmares and that night, did not want to close my eyes by myself… and the sister that thinks we are so close… well you can tell I didn’t crawl in bed with her, now did I….

That is what she should be questioning… why didn’t I??? and I doubt she will do any different from her mother… she will never own her part in trying to destroy Margie… but, Margie never forgot and that makes me curious as to what else transpired that tore the sisters apart at a young age…. because true sisters would have worked together and it never was like that and I can remember specific times where the sister went out of her way to get Margie in trouble… and Margie paid dearly for that relationship… which explains why I never was, nor will I ever be close to any females as long as I live… I learned that lesson at a very young age… Never trust men or women…. regardless of age…. Domestic violence leaves an imprint that can not be washed away with lies…. 

Back to getting into bed with mom….  mother says and of course I can quote it….”as long as you don’t talk in your sleep, you can get in bed with me”…. and her tone of voice was anything but loving…but at that moment… that 13 yr old child was feeling like a 6-year-old… because she had been reliving the abuse every night in her dreams and just one night wanted to feel safe… and that turned out to be anything but….

What I saw last night, tells me I was in my parents bed, the night Margie died in Texas…. as the memory goes… I hear my parents arguing in the hall and I think by now, I am back in my bed and my dad put me there… I did only weigh less than 70 pounds at 13… skinnie weeinie…was my dads favorite nick name for me…

The rest of the memory I have about that night I have written about…. What does any of this mean….

It means Margie is relaxing her hold on my memories and she is letting the very ugly stuff come forward…. she must think I am ready and can handle it… so on the broom stick I go and I have a feeling, before the year is over… I will know what happened to Margie in Big Springs, Texas….

I do know that the trauma from that night may impact my younger siblings… that part of the memory is not clear and I do not want to speculate… I leave that for the christians….

I wish I could say this all makes me feel better… but with abnormal brain waves, PTSD, TBI and doctors who think you want and don’t need… I am ready to walk away from all this and just take some good down time… sadly… Margie has other ideas….

I could use company after we are done with this remodel… just to get my mind on other things for a while…. go out an have some fun and explore the island… okay Whine over… today the doc tells me what they want to do next and today I see If I made any progress…

Sad the one with mental illness has to play the adult… and the professional just continues on with bad behavior… that is health care in America….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….