Weakness…. depends upon your view…

On the floor with my big boy, working his damaged spine… and I put my left arm down to push myself off the floor and nearly do a face plant… until I put my right arm down…

I have lived with this weakness so long, that it was just a passing thought and every time I saw doctors, I always made sure that left side showed it was as strong as the right, when in reality it was far from it and now I am paying the price….

Not sure what I can do about it… the doctor has sent me to every place I have asked, except physical therapy… even hubby sees some cognitive issues with the doctor, which is sad… we have so few of them….

I am doing little things to make the left side stronger and frankly, I don’t think it’s doing much… but then again I tell myself maybe it is… if the left arm had given out and I did a face plant… then there would be a real problem… so just maybe the little things I am doing are helping to build the muscle, the nerve connection, that part I have no clue if it will come back… but the muscle, that is important…

I notice many things more now than I did 10 years ago… before a bruise or cut showed up and I would just go, oh and move on, not thinking how I got the injury and why I didn’t feel it…

Now its more obvious…. I still have very little feeling in my feet, so injuries to them are common, same with the legs and arms… Now I check myself over, to ensure that any new cuts or abrasions are cleaned and leave little chance for infection… I even cut the flesh off a toe, because I couldn’t feel the nail clippers…. 

This is the result of multiple beatings by my parents and my body has been betraying me since I was a child… I just learn to compensate and was young… now I am older and less healthy and fit, so I work daily to maintain my mobility…. all because 2 adults thought a 40 pound child was a punching bag… an my mother swears she likes kids…. must be the twilight zone she is referring too….

As for any other issues… I can’t complain… sleep is get up maybe twice to hit the bathroom and back to bed and asleep… so that is going well… Food, we still are not friends… but I am learning to approach eating with a different mind-set and it’s working… the weight is coming off in a managed way that is healthy…

As for depression or mood swings… the headaches have lasted a week, and these are not your every day headaches… most people would have slit their throats by now… but for me… they just let me know when I am focusing to hard on something and I need to back off and give myself a break… but the headaches have made me a little moody compared to the past, where it was night and day…. so the headaches do make me just a little contentious… so full belly is a must….

Depression, not really having any kind… The more I incorporate the memories of the past trauma, the more my soul heals… Facing the abuse, the continued lying and manipulations and the decision to just walk away from the  family…. smartest choice I ever made… toxic people who believe in a human god… well….

Sometimes in life you must walk the path alone and find the beauty in the life that nature, the true god of our planet has given us…. and I will take it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Author: maggi9454

Margie was born into a typical christian military family... Her story is anything but typical... Domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and all done while my dad served in the U. S. Air Force and they buried the truth... then my own children impacted by Air Force cover up while I am active duty.... Rape, Attempted murder, domestic violence and discrimination in the name of the United States Government... and it is still happening as I write... just look at Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas.... Circle of Silence is no more....