I Can Not….

I can not talk about, or write about anything, that I do not know….

Regardless the subject… opinionated, oh you betcha and that will never change… how I voice that opinion, has been evolving since the first brain injury…

Yet, I can not speak of what I do not know…. and the reason is so simple…

1st diagnosis in 2011, by VA El Paso, PTSD…..

2nd confirming news… EEG, abnormal brain waves and hubby can vouch, zero seizures…

When you take the two pieces of information and you fail to meet any criteria other than the PTSD and TBI… you have brain injury and with my brain, it has been evolving since the first injury… again I can only imagine what kind of contribution I could have made, if I had adults for parents and not abusers….

When I go see the neuro doc in Feb… he will tell me what he thinks and I will give him the information that he will want and we will be done… except for me, having a few questions about the chemical part of the brain injury and its ability to rewire.. something I have been aware of since my first brain injury and people thought I was cuckoo… science says other wise… always listen to your body, you know it better than anyone, because you are living in it… not the college educated goof balls, who think they know all by book learning only… let them experience it our way and they will run for the hills in terror… life is that topsy-turvy with TBI & PTSD….

There are some memories that will never come back… and for good reason… I didn’t make memories… that is normal for TBI….

All the memories that have come back and some new stuff that I hadn’t seen since the incidents… but the other memories… they never were… I didn’t make memories… and to understand that, you really have to understand how the brain works….

So for the ones who are reading this in hopes that I will spill the beans about a memory you have… well, sorry to disappoint… they are your memories… not mine…

To have permanent brain damage, that impacts memory and some other functions is not new… to have permanent memory loss is also not new… that is why it was so easy for me to tell when the family lied… I never truly forgot… I just put the memories to sleep and paid dearly for that action…

There are a couple of memories from my past that I will not remember… like many others like me… we will never remember the horror or the ugly part of the injury we sustained… our brains gave us that gift… so you can not hate, what you do not know… but you will always miss it… no different than losing a limb… missing memory is a haunting feeling that only those of us who truly experience can understand…

It was all the other little things along the way that gave me my answers and many of those answers came through your actions, words, emails, pictures and phone calls and lack there of… just like the little family get together that happened with all my siblings but me… and why is that… I was never invited, but she told you that she did invite us… didn’t know about it, until I saw the pictures…. and the lies continue…

You want answers about the past… I am not your messenger… Your messenger sits in Arkansas, hiding behind her god she knows so well and telling everyone how she loves kids….

Tell that to the child that carries the scars from all her beatings and the memories that go with them… she manipulated you and the rest… yet you double down and won’t own your actions…. It is hard to imagine such a little woman causing so much havoc and destruction, just because of the way she was treated as a child…

All it takes is YOU asking HER… the journey here forward is for my healing and growing… it is time to let the living go, they refuse to own their existence…instead… their god will forgive them…

I never will…. but I will heal and thrive… you can not say the same….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Author: maggi9454

Margie was born into a typical christian military family... Her story is anything but typical... Domestic violence, rape, attempted murder and all done while my dad served in the U. S. Air Force and they buried the truth... then my own children impacted by Air Force cover up while I am active duty.... Rape, Attempted murder, domestic violence and discrimination in the name of the United States Government... and it is still happening as I write... just look at Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas.... Circle of Silence is no more....