A few years back a brother emailed me a copy of Don’s (dad) military service record… I remember examining it very closely at the time and I filed the email away in one of my many folders that I keep on the family, I do a lot of ancestry research…. made it back to 860AD on the family tree too… so, yea, its one of my favorite things to do….
Then last year happened, Nov 5, 2017 the murder of 26 people in Texas and on the 7th I started talking about Big Spring, Texas…. and the rest as they say is in all these weird things I keep writing about… an I am supposed to figure this all out, when I work on the final book write…. daunting…. sigh…
I contacted the federal agency on certain records I wanted copies of…. and when they came… I couldn’t open them… and for one very good reason… I was going to counseling and just had surgery and I really didn’t want outside information to cloud my journey….
Now the stuff is packed and I couldn’t tell you what box it is in if I wanted to… so treasure hunting… nope, I’ll pass, not that curious and again for good reason….
I want to own the PTSD… I don’t want it owning me… and I may be wrong on my approach, but again, the counseling I did get here on Hawaii was helpful… she reminded me of what I did to protect myself by asking if I detached from reality, which I did do, every time trauma happened and once I had that clue, then yea, since March, the rest is history…. so the counselor did give me a nudge….
As for the PTSD…with TBI and the memory part of the brain waking up… its important I do not contaminate what I remember, by any type of outside source… be it a family member or anyone from the past that may be connected to me…. The memory they have will never be anything like the one I have… it is their point of view, their memory… not mine and that is what is so important on this journey to unlocking the Big Spring, Texas assault…. I made a mistake and asked a couple questions… I haven’t done that again….
It is down to how much of my past did that attack truly take… in Texas… every memory that I see, has to be mine, I have to own it, examine it, tear it apart and look at it with an open mind and soul and absorb the mental and physical pain that goes with the memory….
For me to bury PTSD and take my life back…. I have to know how much that TBI in Texas took from me… I think I already know that answer…. we shall see what the MRI of the brain says…. I am hoping the score continues in my favor….
Maggi……10 and counting…. this is the last thing for me to prove…. I just hope the brain and Margie agree…
TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell
I Remember… Margie…