Catch 22….

Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t…. Isn’t that the definition of life… Every choice we make, impacts not only us, but those we do no even know… yet we get up every day and start the day like we do every day…. 

The catch 22 for me… Marijuana…. Ya know, I was introduced to pot by my 2nd husband who had been in the Air Force and I didn’t smoke any until I went in and found it had little to know impact on me… so smoking not that big of a deal until the end of my military time when they kept telling me all my symptoms were in my head… and the pain, so far off the chart at times it made doing daily tasks a struggle… added stress from my pushed out discharge as they cover up rape and attempted murder… in the end, I got the last laugh… 100% disabled veteran… and they only way you get benefits… Honorable discharge… so ultimately I came out on top….

As for the pot… I have gone years without smoking it, living on Japan, it’s a life sentence if caught with drugs… remember, I worked for the staff judge advocate of the 5th AF…

When we came back from Japan, it was an off and on type of thing… and when I did smoke, I could tell how it impacted my veins, blood pressure and most of all blood tests… the blood suckers had a hell of a time hitting a vein and I usually walked out with multiple holes in my arms… now I warn them in advance and tell them exactly how to hit the vein… so usually only 2 sticks, once in a while just 1….

As long as I am smoking pot, this is an issue… it negatively impacts the neuropathy, because of the constriction of the vessels… so the decision was made for me a couple of months ago, about what happens when we get home… No more smoking….

That is why I want the physical therapy… to give me the tools, so that I can cope with the pain, weakness and other issues related to the loss of sensation in my body, so that I can function into my old age…. okay quit giggling… I am not that old, yet….

When you take charge of your health care and mental health… you have to be cautious you don’t make things worse and you are actually working towards a more balanced existence… no one scenario fits all… it is something you learn as you grow and walk away from the PTSD and embrace the physical limitations that may come from being a disabled veteran or any other person who has walked a similar path….

It’s all about trying and adjusting… sometimes something will work for a while and then it quits and I have to figure out why and adjust… same goes for the brain… I am constantly adjusting to the new thought process, chemical reaction and physical reaction and so far so good….

Doesn’t mean I don’t get angry, but it’s how long that anger lasts that is different… used to be, days, weeks, whatever… now it’s a flash of emotion and it comes and goes just as quick… and when that happens, I examine it and think, okay, next time, different reaction and that is what changes the chemical in the brain and you…. it takes work, it takes awareness… but anyone can do this… you just have to stop, what ever you are doing and grab the moment and own it… you can do this… I know you can…

Owning our lives with PTSD & TBI is hard, because our lives were stolen… stolen by domestic violence, combat, auto accident and just life moments…. but you can take it back… it is frustrating, it is self condemning, because you fail so many times…. just keep telling yourself, that light at the end of the tunnel is within reach, next time will be different and when it happens, the satisfaction, you made your first baby step and from there on, you work on your walking shoes and then strap on the runners… because that is when life feels like it used to…. it just takes you wanting it… and most of all you have to work for it… nothing else will get you there… just you….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…