Reflections, trying to let go???

It’s non stop thinking… you just can not help yourself… when you spent so much of your life trying to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back… you just don’t find time to dwell, at least I didn’t… but that didnt’ mean my brain didn’t… too many decades of depression to deny that…

I told Mike I was so tired of all this… not physical tired… mental… beyond tired… wishing my brain was numb again, just so I can focus on anything else for an extended period, without the past pushing its way back into the waking mind…

That is PTSD… anyone who has had it, lived it or experienced it… it can be obsessive and it can be mind altering, if you let it…

I get my case is unique because of the multiple traumatic brain injuries and the fact that my health care was anything but good… remember… Air Force, cover up and denial… and if someone dies… well that is one less witness… think I am wrong… then you are not living in reality… that is men in power, protecting men in power… only lives that matter to them, is theirs… it’s called the Trump religion manifestation, it has been going on since McCarthy…. 

I still want to move on… I know that the book is the key to putting all this to rest and I am getting pressured to work on that and get it done… it’s just that memories don’t always cooperate when you write… thus the goofy blog as a diary of sort… and I still have research to do… there are some things I need more clarity on… and I really only want to write this book one time and no sequels and no clue how to get to from point B to point A… but it does distract from the bad memories…

Chaos, a feeling of isolation in your brain, fatigue, anger, numbness… all things we fight, when dealing with PTSD… for anyone in the police force, to speculate over that shooter in Paradise, says volumes of the lack of education on mental health… I agree the kid murdered people… I see it from his point of view… because I am living it… and getting help, will  never happen, because to get help, people have to understand… and some of those cops, it was hate… not understanding mental illness… and the VA and military have yet to get it right… count the number of suicides in veterans and that tells you how many times they got it wrong… including the kid at Paradise…

Last night was bad dreams, but no bad mood this morning… the PTSD is releasing its hold on me, and I truly can not wait for it to be completely gone… but I know it is not, yet… exhaustion brings sleep, but it makes you let your guard down and in come the nightmares of PTSD…

Always moving and working towards an end goal… I know that our return to the mainland will help and going to the places that some of the beatings happened… will make a great deal of difference… and last night, I had a aha moment before bed… and this is a clue…

We were moving from Kansas and we had purchased a single wide manufactured home, because mom had a 4th kid while we had been in Kansas, I think, bro number 2… and we traveled by car to Alabama following the semi truck pulling our trailer… when that memory hit… I was less than 8 years old… so after the TV interview and beating and before the boob incident in Alabama…. Eidetic memory, boy I wish that shrink had been wrong… but he’s not…

Always amazes me, these waking aha moments… I just keep telling myself, this will be over, when it is over and not let it get me down, but look at it as if I am opening a present every time a memory comes back and a little bit more of my soul has been taken back from the white mans god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….