Blame Game… TBI & PTSD… all they had to do is own it…

This has bugged me for a while and just maybe if I put it in writing, the thought will leave me alone… because there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it… this is and was totally out of my control… but I did have my say….

Memory issues will or will not be a problem for anyone with PTSD & TBI… The reason the mental health gets it wrong… they go by the book and when you look at a person who has these issues… guess what… you are NOT reading a book, you are learning about a person with issues… big difference… a book never changes its story… TBI & PTSD patients do… and they do it knowingly, but can not stop it….

Chaos is part of the process to recovery… when it started last Nov 7, 2017, the chaos was over whelming to the point I was ready to start drinking alcohol, just to numb the brain… instead I turned to marijuana, which acted like a mild sedative that calmed the chaos and allowed me to sort through everything I was remembering about my first 18 years of life under the rule of christians, the Air Force and domestic violence….

I am not fully there yet, where there is zero chaos, but it is within reach… now the part about the blame game…

Anyone who has had a TBI and loss time, and I mean you have zero memory of the event… will understand these next words…

I never hated mother, dad, brother or sister…. until… they lied to me… Until they deliberately set out to hide the truth from me… that is what I built my anger on… I took my hate and disgust for christians and built upon the actions of these people and the rest of the family that participated… Aunt Tiny, who is living and not talking… Mother who is living and not talking… Sister who is living and not talking… Brother who is living and you got it, not talking… but they want me to save my soul!!! For real, got a letter from brother about saving my soul??? Holy crap on a cracker, I nearly peed my panties laughing so hard on that… save my soul from what… THEM???

Even now I have no animosity towards any of them for anything they did while I was growing up…

Thanks to them directly lying to me, stealing from me, cheating me and debasing me… Now they have the full brunt of my hate, disgust and total and complete lack of desire to even get to know them…

I have said this one statement, for as long as I can remember….

Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do… it takes you out of my world, because you disrespected my world… by lying to me….

Trust is earned, not given… and frankly between the ones I mentioned and my own children… good luck with getting me to believe one word that leaves your lips… The people that want to be a part of my world and journey are… the ones that want to bash me are exactly where they belong… on the outside looking in….

All they ever had to do, is own their behavior… own their lives and what they did to me… and they couldn’t… but their god will forgive them… I never will….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

One hell of a day for headaches…