Pushing the Boundary….

Last night, long before bed, in between the Dancers on the TV show, my brain latched on to some depression and it wanted all my attention, but I had other ideas and took that depression and beat the crap out of it…

When PTSD has ruled your world for at least 58 years, everything becomes integrated into you, all the bad habits, angst that goes with it… and you want to talk about trying to break habits that are that many years old…. ugh!!!

I really wanted to walk away from this writing and sew my world back up and turn the lights off… no one is home, leave me alone, go away… I hate everyone attitude…. yep I was their last night… so the depression sneaks in when your guard is down and mine was down….

After I bitch slapped myself back into reality, I enjoyed the rest of the dancing with the stars and went to bed and the ole brain says, nope… we going to think… double ugh, I wanted sleep… but I made myself face the depression that tried to come in the back door and dealt with it and I woke up feeling better about the day, not dreading it…

Ya know you are screwed when you start talking to yourself and when you answer, you get into an argument with yourself…. yep humans have evolved alright…. right into the loony bin….

I knew from what mental health here told me and what I had read… it could take years and even then, I may not be fully recovered from the trauma I went through as a kid… 18 years of beatings and having your head used as a punching bag… it does amaze me I can wipe my own ass…

My brain is making more progress than I thought possible in such a short time… I just keep fighting myself and that is when I have to choose, Margie or Maggi… and Margie has been winning… talk about being taken out of your comfort zone… I feel like I am in the middle of a cactus patch and nowhere to go, trapped… just a little frustrating…

Most everything I ever knew about my youth, I have remembered… and that is why I think I have permanent damage to the brain and one tiny little section, took some very important information… and again no one is talking, because they be afraid of me…. BOO… geez… that afraid of the past???

I will get there, every day I wake up… means I have a chance of getting there… as long as I have hope, I can achieve anything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Author: Adorable Spite

Domestic violence is an old song, sung thru the ages like a hymn and purported to be the way christians live their lives... full of deceit, hate, bigotry and most of all fear... It is that fear that cost me my virginity, my soul and most of all my humanity... I had to fight to keep the christians hands off my soul, but they stole from my body and so did the U. S. Air Force... Rape and attempted murder... but image was more important... Vance AFB and Webb AFB... #WhyIDidntTell #MeToo TimesUP, Circle of Silence is no more....