Reading psychology is not one of my favorite subjects, unless I am reading case histories… and it’s not all that confusing… but, always that little word… the variables are I think moderate… in other words, I get why people go into mental health fields… most of the issues they deal with are repeated throughout society and ethnic groups and you can affectively treat people with that kind of knowledge and background… and then someone like me comes along….
I was born self-aware, though the first 4 years are weird in memories except the Kodak moment…. Was I intelligent… I have no real clue… first head injury around 6… five more after that age… IQ tests says yes… but I am the one living in this brain and believe me there are days I know my brain is in the twilight zone and its a comfortable pad to crash in and dangerous place to stay in….yet I know I had a mouth… I had a come back most times that usually got me into trouble… only because I forgot the last beating for having a smart ass remark… words they cause such pain to adults when they come from children???
My story will evolve… I will prove myself right more than I will prove myself wrong… but I will own being wrong… that is how I live…. I know that as I remember more of my past that was stolen… I will have only myself to rely on for authenticating the memory… the family is silent… so afraid of the past and what my future may hold… the book….
I am pushing everything out of me that has to do with the facade I wore for 63 years… we celebrate Nov 7 as my new birthday… the day my memory of Texas came back and it plays before my eyes as I am beaten unconscious by my parent…..
Freaked a little, yes… not knowing what is going on inside my brain and if the pain I have felt all these decades is related to an injury that may or may not be viewable, the wait is driving me batty….. I have waited since 1968…. a few more months shouldn’t be too bad… and I go, okay tell yourself that as the one behind your right eye starts up… pin ball headaches, had them since 1968…. thank you mommy & daddy….
As I remember more or put it into perspective, the narrative will change… I hope for the better… getting away from the family part of it and getting to the part of taking the mask off PTSD and my TBIs….
I have hope… always hope…
May your Thanksgiving be filled with family and friends or solitude… what ever makes the day on the calendar special for you and yours…. we will be laying new floor in preparation of our move home next year… always busy, slower, but busy…
TimesUp #MeTo WhyIDidntTell
I Remember… Margie….