Self-Aware, more a chore than joy…

Born self-aware is a sense you build over time… and it does make you look at every action and see the possible outcomes….and you are acutely aware when people try deceit or lying… throw in a little edetic memory ability and 9 times out of 10… I will bust you… I have been known to be wrong a couple of times, a silver chain comes to mind on that in Okanogan and I owe a young lady an apology… geez that was over 20 years ago…

Recently Mike started Xelganz, it is a rheumatoid drug for his aggressive RA destruction of his joints… I would say he has been on it now for about 45 days… and we had a mood change… it happened when he was tired, frustrated and focusing on the floor we just finished…

His reaction was not violent, but his electrical energy we all put off changed and it was enough, my big 100 pound dog and his sister, picked up on it and came to me to protect me… This all happened in seconds, but I can see it all play out again and the expression on my husbands face as I asked…

“I wish you could see your face, you just scared the dogs, do you realize that”? He did not… 

It took me a few days to evaluate and go over all the things that have gone on in the last couple of months and that is when I remembered… the new RA drug and it’s side effects…. This was likely the answer….

You see, I married the exact opposite of my father… I married a man who is gentle, kind, loving and giving and most of all, he puts up with my crazy ass….

Being who he is, he couldn’t see what happened and kept trying to argue with no substance, so I got pissed and that is when he finally listened…. he was on Xelganz and it impacted his brain and his mood… and his aha moment happened…. He had seen the same thing happen to me for 24 years and he realized, he did what the doctors did to me, he dismissed my opinion…

There are days when you really want to put your foot up someones ass and this is one of those days!!! Then I remind him of something else that happened and he shuts up and goes, now I get it…

I had to get pissed to get him to listen… done that same action so many times with doctors, because they be college educated and think they be so smart… You are only smart….

When you learn to listen… only then will you grow… by listening, we learn…

So being self-aware has never been a joy in my life… but it has kept me alive and it saved my husband’s life in 2014, when the ER doctor missed his heart failure…. 

I caught it when he came home from burying his dad… Triple by-pass a year later, he is alive to attest to that fact…

But there are days, I wish I was just as oblivious as the next person… then I realize, I would be bored out of my mind…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…