When the young lady here at mental health said that it could take years to get through all that I had been thru…. I really was not happy with that statement and told myself… not this kid… I was going to get there and back and do it quickly…. didn’t give myself too much of a time frame, but in my mind I was thinking about 12 months and hi ho silver… we are not away….
PTSD is complicated to such a degree, that the layers I keep pulling back, feel at times like I am making no headway…. that is the biggest reason I limit my contact with the family, including my kids… I need this time of isolation and solitude… I have to face and deal with all that is going on in the brain and hiding from it through drugs or alcohol are not an option… they just make it all worse… did that for 20 years with booze… amazing I didn’t pickle my liver….
But I still couldn’t hide from the nightmares… alcohol, prescribed sleep meds, pain meds, depression meds…. etc….. nothing worked… until a kid murdered 26 people in Texas on Nov 5, 2017…. Texas and Air Force and two days later, I started talking about Big Springs, Texas, Webb AFB the block building and the nightmare I had lived since 1967 played out as I described to Mike what went down that horrible night in Big Springs….
How brutal the beatings big brother and I got… how the screaming of a baby in the back ground and the crying of the other children and the thuds and smacks as bodies flew in all directions…. I see it all play out…. dad remorseful, mother obtuse and children scared beyond any imagination you can produce….
51 years later, the nightmares are back…. I asked… I asked auntie, uncle, granny and mother…. I asked sister and looked brother in the eyes… and they lied…
Image… keeping the image of a man who lied about his military service and all because of money… I got mother survivor benefits from the VA, because I proved dad died from Agent Orange…
I was the last to know she got the money….
Mental illness is more pervasive than you can possibly imagine… just look at Washington DC… they think lying to the American public is okay….
We voted…. the liars won…. and the nightmares are back…..but, someday they will end… this I do know… I will own the nightmares, not the other way around… I will win…. so will Americans, who believe truth and ethics mean something…
TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell
I Remember… Margie….