Mind Trap Abyss…

The mind is like an abyss, the more I read about psychology and neurology, the more I realize I know zero about either subject, except for what I have lived for 64 years…

I can go back in time around the time of the boob incident and I can see myself about age 8 and my thought process has started to evolve, but not in a way that anyone else around me would have recognized… instead… they put labels on me…

It was easier than the adults, being adult… label the child, instead of guide the child… well that is what christians do… destroy what they can not control or understand and try they did….

But the mind trap… was one I started around that time period… First it was as I was going to sleep, doing the religious prayer for no other purpose but to keep the adults off my back… playing with sister when told, other wise I was outside and as far from the house as possible and when those options were not available….

I escaped from reality into my own world in my mind… all the while doing what the adults wanted… Must have been a real frustration for my mother… she had total control over all her children but me… and no matter how hard she beat me…

I just looked back at her like I had done since I was a toddler and she hit me with the old fashion hair brush… those eyes telling, I know the truth… I know the truth…

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The mind escape is what kept me going, yet I knew if I let it, the mind trap would grab me and never let go… so choices I had to make… and reality was put in place to protect and protect me it did…

Every brutal beating after the boob incident… I used my brain to protect me, so that someday, when I was ready… the trap door would open and all I had denied would be laid bare….

Covered in bruises after one of mothers infamous beatings… this little 6-year-old didn’t understand….WHY

But by the time the boob incident happened… she got the message and so did the school photographer… the evidence speaks for itself… those are bruises on that child’s body… not make up… all because mother once again was embarrassed….

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The mind trap in place, she learned to escape… All the while watching the adults and filing away every word and action that was for the sole purpose of hurting their own children…

By the time the Japan beating happened… things started changing in that household… sister was no longer able to manipulate things so that I got beat… Mother had to back off, because if they hurt me again… those 16 years of military service would go in the toilet for dad…. but that never silenced her ugly mouth, and four letter words were the norm…

But the mind trap played on… protecting, keeping me safe… To this day, I can not tell you how I graduated high school, even though I flunked a grade because of the boob incident beating… I still graduated on time… all the while being told how stupid I am by mother…

The mind trap still protecting as I take on adult life… Unable to articulate, I wrote… Time passed and the military took my childs soul and laid it bare and mine after the rapes…

The mind trap is still working, taking me away from all the ugly that goes with life….

Then came Mike and the mind trap started to melt away… and I found that life was nothing like what I had experienced in the first 40 years on this planet….

I use the mind trap now, just to relax after working on this book… I use it, as brain candy reward, and let the imagination wonder…. Now the mind trap is nothing more than a momentary escape to relax, not hide…

Not knowing I had TBI’s or PTSD… made this journey harder than it had to be and mother still refuses to talk, so does Auntie… and then the VA health care system started letting me down by 1998 and from that point on… it has been one cluster fuck after another with each president and congress all the while making themselves rich while stealing from social security and veterans….

It wasn’t for lack of trying that our own government is hell-bent on destroying veterans and putting those seniors in their grave, the people that help to build this nation… We are an invisible people and expendable to this nation…

Just look at the rich mans tax cut and all the jobs that are now disappearing… They want the middle class to wipe the ass’s of the upper class…

I thought America was the land of EQUALITY???  only if you are in the 1%…. or a white nationalist like Trump… 

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself…. and women keep putting men in office… stupid is as stupid does and they will likely bitch the loudest…. 2021, can not get here fast enough….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….