Traditions Lost… never to be found???

I have a dream and I told my mother that dream when we moved to Arkansas… and if you could have seen the look on her face, you would have thought I had just destroyed her world, and in a way I did…

You see, I had planned to live near my parents until they passed, that was until, while house hunting, I told mom, I was looking forward to having all the family at my house for the holidays… thinking, to myself, all her complaining about the one that just passed, this would take the load off of her… instead, it was as if I just blew up her doll house world and her look of pure hate in that one moment, which only lasted a couple of seconds, spoke volumes about the woman I thought I respected, but she never respected me and her look said it would be over her dead body, before I entertained the family in my home…

That pretty much sealed the deal on any house I bought… instead we bought a fixer upper that was barely big enough for the two of us…. I sold it 4 years after my dad died and that was the time I stood in mom’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory from childhood…

What has this to do with lost traditions… For me, this thought process will play a pivotal role in where I move to next (which I hope is my last move)… but where that place will be… all depends on the behavior of a few key players….

We already know my son’s have no desire to be a part of my life… I won’t play the game of enabling… so that choice is on them… but I do have a step daughter, and grandkids living in Washington…. Now comes the hard part… do I live near them, so that we may be a part of their lives… or do we choose a home that they will have to drive a few hours to come see us…. and from past experience, that won’t be often if at all… patterns of behavior don’t change… unless you work at it…

At one time, the kids coming to me for advice was the norm… as they got older, they didn’t ask as often and that is always a good thing… but…. If they respected me and their dad, wouldn’t you turn to your parents for sage advice and knowledge??? It seems our kids have no need for that… They know so much, they put themselves at risk and their own, and we find out after the fact…

This is not a family dynamic, this is people living their lives individually and not seeking the elders as they go through life… and what does that do to the elders… for many, it is isolation, loneliness, depression, and they fade into the background, gone and forgotten… because the youth is all-knowing… gee is that how Trump got elected???

So this dream I had, being the matriarch of my family, does not look like it will happen… I am not big on lip service and I have very little respect for anyone that does it to me or Mike…does not matter who you are…

We sacrificed so much for our kids and now, we live as far from them as possible… because that help cost us everything and we got nothing…

I am not willing to go back to the same environment… because this generation forgot where they came from and how they got here… What I thought was doing the right thing, giving up my own home… has turned beyond sour in my stomach…

I am not sentimental… I am a realist… People have their own individual lives, as is everyone’s right… but you didn’t get their alone…

But alone, I think we will be… I am not so willing to pack the rest of my stuff… I have no place I really want to go… they say home is where the heart is… I guess you have to feel that heart, to feel at home…. Every action we take, has a reaction and that reaction, can reverberate across the universe, if we are unaware…. Sometimes, being self aware is a curse, not a gift…. and in the door you walk… hello depression, you have been gone for a while… wonder how long this will last….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV