Depression has taken up residence…

Not surprised, but maybe I am just a little… Depression is not a straight forward kind of condition…

You are told by the professionals you are depressed, but they can’t tell you why you are depressed… So either you figure it out on your own… or you end up taking your life, because you can’t live with the darkness anymore… Thus so many veterans taking their lives…

Depression walked in the door yesterday and I had no way of stopping it… the circumstances were ripe for it to take up residence and tell me, it was sticking around for a while…

Took me hours last night to go to sleep… Recognizing what was happening and powerless to stop it…

Depression is like a summer cold, you know the risk is there to catch that summer cold and depression is no different… once you experience depression, it will always be hanging around in the background waiting for that opportunity to take up residence and ruin anything and every experience that may come along… and it did just that….

My mind goes back to a death, that touched me deeply in a family that made me one of theirs… and I was not invited to be there for the others that passed… that left an indelible mark on my heart and helped to build the wall between me and that family…. and that wall, is not likely to come down….

Not allowed to walk in my mother’s house and be with my dad, because every time I walked in that door, mother or sister made sure I never got near my dad… and I left, because to me, they were murdering him before my eyes… the call I got just before he passed, to tell me to come see him… he was already gone mentally and only the shell left… I did not go….anything he would have told me… they made sure he couldn’t….

Go home to be with Mikes dad and I wanted to stay longer, but hubby wanted to take me home, not realizing, he had done the same thing as my own family and my adopted family… Denied me access to someone I care about… Hubby flew back up there after we got home… I had to experience the death of his dad, alone…. much like the other deaths of the people above…

Last night my great-grandson was born… a difficult birth, because he turned out to be a bruiser… and my step daughter went out of her way to keep me and her dad in the loop… yet I felt excluded and not involved and it made me not want to pack any more for our move back to Washington…

Depression is an ugly illness, and most of the time, I am in control and I can reason it out and stop it dead in its tracks…

When other people play a part in your life… their choices can reverberate throughout the universe… and leave a black hole in yours…

Come to find out… Mike feels the same way… So depression is definitely in our home… only because, we deal with life threatening illness and we both know… life can end at any moment in our home… and we both accept that with full knowledge…

Mike knows if he was to die on me before we move… I won’t move any time soon and I will cut off all contact with anyone I know… He knows, I will finish the job I started out to do so many decades ago as a child…

Isolate myself, so no one can ever hurt me again, either directly or indirectly….

So yea, depression has taken up residence, when I should be celebrating….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV