Depression… Finally an Answer!!! edited

Okie dokie, so we know that I had a stroke and that the brain is stained from a bleed in my brain and that area involves the right, frontal & parietal lobes….

So yippee, now I know why I had such a bizarre reaction to being told I was depressed… I didn’t know I was… Honest… and I will tell you why I say that…

On Dec 23, our granddaughter went into labor and I wrote about how I was feeling depressed and that it walked in the door that the time was ripe… but…. that one little word… but…. this depression was different and it was chemical, in other words I had control and just wallowed in it, okay… so shoot me….

Now for the depression I have lived with since I was a child and why it was different… I didn’t know I was depressed and I didn’t remember the abuse and I didn’t think about any of it… because I buried Margie and locked the cell door and threw the key into outer space….

That depression was so different from what happened when our great-grandson was born and I could tell that it was different… It may explain why suicide was never on my radar… I got it, why people took their lives… but inside me, was the healthy part of my brain fighting back…

Thus the wild behavior, or at least what I called wild… started at 17 years of age and really didn’t come to an end, until just before hubby and I got married… so it lasted about 20 years… and If what I read is right… that is how long it took for my brain to recover from the stroke…

All in that 20 year period… I gave birth to 2 boys… Went in the Air Force and served for 5 1/2 years and went on to work civil service until 96, when I knew I was having thinking problems… I gave up working and asked for help… they said I had Fibromyalgia??? for real….

And here we are 40 years later… or is that 41… math never been my strong suit…

I gave clues to the doctors and its all documented in those VA records I have… I didn’t recognize faces… and that is still an issue to date, even if you are family…. and all the other symptoms that go with what my brain went through and I got zero help from the military or the VA…

I had to move to Hawaii, turn on the sweet personality and beg the doctor to listen and this summer she finally did… EEG, now the MRI and we know…

I have one messed up brain and the only thing I can figure and I am probably right on this analogy… because all the damage happened at such a young age, my brain rewired and fixed itself… what should be on the right side of my brain, is probably now on the left or some other place for storage… which is why I don’t have instant recall…. it takes a second or two for me to find the information….

So many times I gave the health care professionals clues and I mean specific clues that should have gotten someones attention… only one problem… The VA system is over run with ex military personnel, who think you should suck it up and would just as soon shoot you than treat you like a human being or a patient… and I have some awful, disgusting stories about those people and their poisonous behavior to fellow veterans…. which is why I fought not to be seen at the VA clinic here… I demanded a civilian doctor in a private office, so the VA would not have all the say… but they sure as hell are dragging their feet and like I said…

Lawyer has been contacted and retained…. and hubby has specific instructions… I die… it will cost taxpayers in the hundreds of millions… only because the federal government gave me all of the evidence that matters… I never take on a battle I can’t win… and I have never lost a fight against the U. S. yet…

I hope the fax this morning gets the doctors attention… hubby watched me struggle to make breakfast… something I have done thousands of times, but couldn’t get my motor skills to respond… the left side is getting weaker, the exercises will not have an impact… if there is a fistula…. this is all venous and a time bomb waiting to go off…

I want to say it can’t possibly be the issue, but I know to much medicine and science to not recognize what I felt these last few years, was life threatening and I always kept hubby in the loop, in case I collapsed and gave him what info I knew, but the MRI now backs up those instructions and we both know, none of this is good….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

what all this means, I may have aneursym, no one will know for sure how bad it is, until they do this next scan… fingers crossed… it self healed and they can just cut the blood supply off and stop the symptoms…. but my gut says, I didn’t get that lucky… opening the head up is not my first choice…