Mental Health Side of this Journey…

This writing thing is becoming a nightmare, just wiped out what I typed by my hand not doing what I wanted it too… this is no longer a fun ride, but a scary one I want off of…

I will tell you straight up… I had hoped with all I am that I had made this whole thing up and I was writing based on a fantasy world that didn’t exist and never did… and when they handed me the MRI disc and I got home and put them on the computer and even I could see the damage… but I thought, okay, lets see what the report says, maybe what I see, is an illusion… still looking for that out… so I go the next day and get the report from the doctor and I have had to deal with rage, fear and terror and most of all….

The realization that all I wrote, was based on my memories… and just like I don’t do, lie… neither did my memories… and that is beyond heart breaking….

Last night the depression hit and that was the first time I knew exactly where in the brain it was coming from… the area that is damaged from the stroke and blunt force trauma… I do have a dent in my skull… anyhow… I knew when the feelings of depression spread, I could tell where and why it was happening and for once…

I just left it alone, because it was the malfunction in my brain and it was chemical and it was not related to any emotional issues at that moment in time… it was just the brain, that is damaged, doing what it has done since the injury… let me know it is there and wants fixing… you realize I saw more shrinks and mental health professionals over the years about a dozen plus and not one, had a clue… NOT ONE!!! what does that say for our combat troops???? and people wonder why suicide is so high among veterans….

So I ignored last nights depression and still did what I wanted and did not focus on the behavior going on… because I knew it was my brain telling me, fix me… and it had been doing that for so long… it became a part of me… because no one ever sent me to neurology from 1977 till 2018… Neurologist was never in the picture, until I made demands and finally got heard…this year…

The depression is weird, when the baby was born the 23rd, I wallowed in it… it was different, it was a weird chemical thing, but it was different… last night was the opposite in sensation and feeling, but still depression…  but now I know of the injury and understand, it’s not emotional… it’s a wound trying to heal…

This is an interesting experience and one I find fascinating… but like I said before… this ride, I am ready to get off of… lets just hope the VA doesn’t kill me before they save me… we are just numbers to these employees… they lost their humanity, when they got health insurance and a paycheck and a rule that makes it damn near impossible for them to be fired… no matter how ugly they behave to patients like me… and hubby has seen it first hand… and they are ugly here on Hawaii, all the way to the top… and that they did in a town hall meeting and I was the victim they went after, they stopped me from speaking the truth… yep… government employees are the most corrupt, because the rules protect their sorry ass… why do you think it took so much uproar to get so many directors fired… they are presidential appointments… I helped with 3 of those firings… so yep, the VA has me blacklisted, just one among thousands who fought the corruption that is still ongoing… just look at Trump and the GOP…

TimeUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV