Never Anxiety… It is Total Frustration….edited

This BP med the doctor put me on, when she talked about it in the clinic, she said this will help with your anxiety… I was so pissed by then, I just figured, bite the bullet, let her prescribe what she thinks will work… She does have the knowledge, education and experience I don’t… besides, I threw out my PDR decades ago, so, internet is my go to on medication breakdowns now…

I know of one time in my life that I had any kind of panic attack… and it was over pot plants, before we got our license here on Hawaii… when it happened, told hubby, get off the crapper and get the ball rolling for us to be legal… yep, I am that kind of citizen… don’t need a god to tell me right from wrong… I live by the laws that humanity voted and agreed upon… and this is the first time, ever, where having marijuana in my home, I didn’t have total paranoia about getting busted… it goes back to Big Springs, my dying and the police and everyone involved traumatized that 13-year-old child… something I have never recovered from, because I didn’t remember, until this last year… sigh…

So the doc thinks I am anxious… ya know what… there is a big difference between being anxious and not informed…

Being frustrated because you are not heard… my contentious relationship with the medical community started at the Spokane VA in 1998, when they told me I had a long list of issues, but they had no evidence to back it up and NO ONE SENT ME TO NEUROLOGY!!!

The BP drug, when I got up this morning, my diastolic was 96, and if it goes over 110 on me, I am ripe for a stroke…

Now I have taken the med Friday & Saturday and if it is like most beta blockers, it takes time to build up and has to be slowly weened off of, to prevent issues… the kind of drugs I normally refuse…. but this isn’t a diuretic, so I am giving it a chance… because in my heart I know, what ever is going on in my skull isn’t good and if I am right, it explains so many symptoms I have lived with since Texas and why when Japan happened a year later, life in the Bagwell household changed… for the better for the siblings I would think, but those memories I do not have… I know they are there, they are just being blocked by what is going on in my brain… that is why I think my doctor has it wrong, but she is protecting herself and most of all me by giving me the BP med to buy me time, till they do the cerebral angiography… maybe by then they will have the answers, that I think I know already…

It’s like being in the show me state… no one believes me, until they have proof… I would have thought the old bleed on the brain and damage to my brain was proof enough… but just like anything else in life… humans have their failings…

I asked Mike, do I act like I am anxious with my health and he thought for a minute and said yea some and then I said, how do I show that and he realized, it’s not anxious behavior, it is frustration behavior…

He gets the best of health care and only because he has not only medicare, but ChampVa through me as my dependent… and his aha moment happened… I have been frustrated with my care since Spokane… Not anxious, just fed up with incompetence and negligence…and most of all not being heard….

I like the doctor I have, but having had worked with doctors, the signs are obvious, she is over whelmed, over worked and stretched to her limit… when that happens to any physician, it is the patients that suffer and it impacts the doctor even more, when they realize they are part of that suffering… She is caring, I won’t deny that… but like so many I saw before, I am never allowed to give the information I try to give, it’s always, “we’ll address that next time”… and that has been said so many times over the years, I started reading and learning as much medicine as I can and I still do…

I make no assumptions about my health care… When I read the MRI pictures before we got the report the next day… I saw what the doctor who read the MRI saw… I did radiology in the military… and stupid, I have never been…

Just missing a big hole in my memories, that left me missing the life I had… just like losing a limb to amputation… that is what was done to my brain, by Don & Freda…

Ya know, it’s not anxiety that I deal with it, it is complete and total frustraton… only becasue in 1967 I was shown how little value my life and time on this earth means to anyone else… and the medical care I have gotten since that time has shown me nothing different… To me and my husband and step daughter, my life has value… To everyone else, I am just a thorn in their side and they wish I would just die, so they don’t have to be bothered… that is the way most veterans feel… or we would not have such a high suicide rate…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV