Adrenaline is my number one enemy… and depression steps in to play….

I do not know for sure when it started, but I knew if I got over excited, be it a movie that scares the crap out of you or life moments… I knew it was not good for my body… I never understood that, until I got my memories back Nov 2017…. so for 50 years I missed out on a lot of life… just because my body betrayed me… and I didn’t know why…

After the call from the doctor’s office this morning, I went on a tangent, didn’t last more than a few minutes, but it was enough to get too much adrenaline in my system and by the time we were done eating breakfast, my heart rate had gone up, and I went into my old mode of bio feedback and just worked at lowering the pounding in my chest… sometimes that works and lately, not a snow balls chance in hell… so I continued about my morning and did my chores and it hit…

All of a sudden I have weakness on my whole left side… and it was freaky, cause I was using a sharp knife to dig the rocks out of the tread of my tennis shoes and one wrong move and that knife would be inside my left arm holding the shoe… why… because the left arm, went weak as well as the whole side of my body and I knew I was not going to be doing anything for about an hour… this has happened before…

So I told Mike what was happening, and went and sat down at my computer and played a game… I made myself take my mind off all the ugly behavior of the health care system and all the bull shit rhetoric that goes with it…

My left side still feels weak, but I am typing and it is responding to my commands to perform… but doing anything else for a while, got a feeling Mike will be in the kitchen with me, when I fix dinner… We have seen this happen lots over the last few months… and each time… the right lobe, where there is supposedly nothing acute going on, lets me know, hey, I am going to make you feel miserable and make you wish you were dead type feeling… the pain gets that intrusive sometimes…an yes I know to go to the ER if the pain is the worse you ever felt… only one problem…

I have an unsual ability to tolerate lots of pain… had major surgery and declined the morphine pump, just asked for extra strength tylenol… surgeon was not happy, but when I explained I didn’t feel the pain he was stunned… I wasn’t, but he was… 1996 Wenatchee Womens hospital was the place If my memory is right… Doesn’t always work that way, but most of the time it does… and I thank the people who killed me… Don & Freda…

I do get why the depression comes on and for no reason at all… it’s triggered by what is happening in the right lobe of my head… something I actually caught the other night and told Mike…  I said… “I am depressed, for no other reason than the pain in my head causing the sensation of depression, I am depressed and nothing emotional bothering me”….

In fact I was watching a program on the science channel and it had my full attention when I recognized the signs of depression, strictly related to the pain in my head… No wonder medication made the depression worse… VA and it’s health care… and people wonder why veterans commit suicide… because we get crappy health care!!!!

I would not be going through any of this….

If the college educated, licensed people who get paid more money than I will ever see, had just learned in grade school…

How to listen… College educated simply means you passed tests… Having a license, just means you passed test…

It doesn’t mean you are qualified… and with my health history, there are over a 100 health care professionals, who should give up those fancy degrees and license’s….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV