Pressure is off, Knowledge is Power…

It has been an interesting time for me… With getting my memories back in Nov 2017… to finding out I had a stroke and the memory of the death was accurate… The brain, one of the most amazing muscles in our body and we really know so little about it… especially for a person like me to survive so many TBI’s and still be a functioning high IQ human being… I kid you not, I am just in awe with its power and mysticism…

As more time goes by and the brain calms down from 50 years of terror… PTSD… combat veterans, I have been there, I have lived it, I died from it and I am still here and I have no desire to take my life… neither should you…

The part that I have not written about on this blog is the violence or the extremes the violence was… nor have I gone into detail about my rapes or my childs on a federal installation…

No all I have tried to do, is make a bread crumb trail for my book, so that if, this stroke in my brain, which isn’t acute, just a FYI… the neurologist will tell me that in a few weeks… but If what I read about strokes, I could lose more memory, but the likely hood of me getting back more memory fast evaporated after what I did read about stroke and proper immediate care… which If you read the blog, you know they hid me away, when they injured me… or lied about the injuries… which, those I did hear and I do remember the lies…

I faced the Texas beating and death, so now I own it, and the ghosts of the nightmares are mine… and when I think of being slammed against that wall like a rag doll and dying for those few mins… there was nothing… no angels, no blowing horns, no one waiting… just darkness… when I woke… it was many months later and the first memory was of Freda’s mother dying… and I was still covered in bruises… that was about 9 months after the incident… or death… your choice… but most of all… I own it, the memory is now mine and it has no sway or say over my nights…

I still have other memories that I do not own yet, so the PTSD is still walking with me hand in hand… I am okay with that… the mental health worker said baby steps… and through some of this process it has been just that… the only difference…

I am not afraid… I owned the worse memory… the death… It no longer owns me… The other memories that still trigger my anxiety or piss me off… remind me, that I am in control and work harder at not letting the anger take from me… which it will do… with a brain injury from a stroke, I don’t have 100% say over my actions… the brain does have a say…

My logic, not always and that is when you need the health care community to work to understand you… not you understand them… they are the professionals, they are being paid to help, not hinder and if you find you are in that kind of position, like I was… walk away… call that number on the other blog and get yourself in with a new doctor… and keep doing it, till YOU are comfortable with your health care… at least here on Hawaii, those of us, eligible do have some kind of say, in how we are treated by health care professionals… we get lousy service… we go someplace else…

I told Mike I was not ready to leave Hawaii yet, though I am anxious to spoil our new great-grandson and granddaughter…

I have to work on me, before I let the family back into my world and I still have issues I need to be in control of… and not the PTSD…

It all takes time… but I have hope… Hope that Margie becomes more of who I am and not what I used to be…

An angry veteran….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and all the tonka trucks she could play with…

Sgt. USAF DAV