When Fear Walks With You….

As a little girl, I remember being taught the lords prayer and other religious things…

I also learned real fast not to ask questions of Don or Freda as to why their god allowed them to hurt me… I earned a healthy adult slap on that 5-year-old face….

Yet they would read the bible, take us to church, make a big deal out of Easter, with the dress up and perfect behavior… because if you misbehaved in church, you would pay for it when you got home…

It seemed that after the TV interview when I received so many blunt force trauma fractures at 5 years old… religion picked up more in our house… but that was all it was…just something we did, with no meaning, value or learning….

I didn’t really know fear yet… It was mostly say something wrong or do something the sister didn’t like and I would get hit… any place on my little body was game… but mainly the head…

When Don was assigned to Montgomery, Alabama… we followed that single wide trailer as it was hauled to our next destination… and for a time there was some semblance of normalcy, but not much… If I did anything Peggy didn’t agree with, she went and got Freda and they would track me down and most times I would get hit, for just playing and being a kid… but Peggy was the snitch and Freda had to reward her… and her reward, watching her older sister get beaten… she always had that grin, even on Japan… 

When the older half-brother caused the boob incident, where he exposed my younger sisters breast… we were just kids… he was only 11, I was 8 and she was only 6… none of us knew we had done anything wrong… but Freda would make sure I paid and Peggy helped… that school picture in color is the product of those two beating on a 8-year-old… you see Peg, had a cyst on her ovary and they didn’t catch it till it was too late, and the hormones made her grow big and fast… she out weighed me and towered over me, when she was 4 years old… and she could hurt, just like an adult could… look at the color picture, you see the marks on my neck… yep….

As the boob incident settled down, I knew fear and that was when sister decided dumping me off the top bunk on to the floor at night was a fun game… the bone scans show extensive damage to the back of my skull and deep in there is where all the magic happens in the brain… they think the head took repeated blows to a couple of areas of my skull… just because someone thought it was okay to be cruel like her mother….

And the fear built and built…. and so did the mouth, that came out with remarks I still wonder where I got the courage to say them… and the head would pay… but the knowledge I got under her skin and knew what her buttons were… I made sure Freda, never got away with much… she still doesn’t….

When the birth of the half-sister from hell happened, I lost all fear… I knew, Don would kill the child if Freda pushed his buttons and she did…. and I prayed… prayed to protect the child that abused my own blood….

As the night progressed and Freda became more incensed by her own demons, I knew the night was ripe for hell….

Big brother was sent home badly injured, but he didn’t die and he didn’t know if I survived yet, he allowed the woman into his head and now he is lost to a fake god and guilt of abandoning his only sister he loved…..

I remember hitting the wall and being hit upon… my frame only 80 pounds or so… I remember the screams of terror and thought, this time god, here I come… instead it was darkness, black as coal… no light, no sound, no memory…..

They locked him up for a while, but Freda remained and she blamed the child that had died that day, because her own demons from hell had made her insane….

The darkness awaits and It would be a long time in that small confined space in my brain… a very long time, before light came again….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who fought against a fear, of christians making…