I don’t want to grow up….

My grandkids all think for some weird reason I am the fun grandma… My oldest granddaughter said she goes to sleep at night watching my favorite star trek show…. funny, I go to sleep watching all the fantasy stuff we have… Harry Potter, Merlin, Tin Man…. and rarely get to see more than 5 minutes and I am sound to sleep… which is why the timer is usually set to little time….

In a matter of fact… I never got to be a kid… between Freda’s and Don’s beatings and the other harm inflicted upon me till I was 14, I was in survival mode and being a kid, didn’t happen very often…

I took long journey’s into figuring out the psychological part of this mess, not realizing I had a stroke on the brain… but it does explain my behavior, my change in empathy and most of all, my lack of desire for human contact… not because I wanted isolation…

People make me uncomfortable anymore and I used to worry I would say or do something that would offend them and that would be the end of the relationship… which it was with my sons… they didn’t like what I had to say… I really am a terrible parent…

I wasn’t so much as irresponsible as I was once in a while, crazy enough to take chances and risks… or what I considered high risk behavior… and the ingrained behavior would kick in and I would fold and give in… that all came to a screeching halt after my move to Mena…

But the behavior, the kid inside of me… came out in other ways, through my mouth… 

I offered my sister-in-law Nancy the Harry Potter movies, during something going on at the folks house and both Nancy and Freda, nearly screamed their heads off saying no… I mean talk about my inner kid getting a kick out of that response… I should have snuck them in the house anyway… maybe those kids wouldn’t be so frigid…

I get that the stroke changed me… I knew that, when I underwent the psych exam in the Air Force… and I asked the shrink if you could change your personality… that was 1983… opportunity for the college educated to do the job they were trained and the dude blew it…

I have feelings and emotions… I am just not in the habit of showing them… I did at one time, long before I had kids… and that one moment in time left me marked for life and I never lost it like that again, until a funeral… and that wake up call, brought me back to reality…

Maybe that is why I long for that large amount of land and isolation… I am not big on emotions and I don’t remember ever being big on them, even as a child… no, for me, to show that, is to give a piece of me away…

No one on this planet is worth that costs… and that cost is high in my thinking… but I realize, at some time in life, letting go of the jail I built around myself… I have to let pain come back into my world…. it’s just this time… the pain isn’t mine…

It’s everyone else’s…  Sometimes refusing to grow up, keeps the wounds from healing… sometimes, growing up, just means you are picking up the pieces and living life, not missing out on it…

Will I ever go roller skating again in a big flounce skirt and spend most my time on my back, looking up at the ceiling while the grandkids skate around me…

You never know… that wasn’t all that long ago….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who wanted to grow up, so she could escape…

Sgt. USAF DAV