Psychology part of this, still figuring it out…

I used to walk on egg shells around everyone, including my husband… it was a constant yin or yang situation, because I was not aware I had a stroke as a teenager, suffered seizures and most of all my heart stopped… I died… well the brain went to sleep for 9 months… that is how long the darkness from the stroke lasted… I lost 9 months that are total darkness or are they???

When I quit trying to please everyone else and put myself first… that’s when it started to feel like I was living in harmony with Margie… instead of fighting her and trying to please my sons or daughter or make my grandkids happy… when I quit buying into that bull shit… that’s when things started to really change in the brain…

When I told the PT doctor yesterday that I only had my memories back since Nov 7, 2017… he was shocked how far I had come, with all I had been through… and he was very complimentary about my articulation and knowledge… which surprised me, with my brain full of congestion, head pain and over all miserable feeling… Maggi finally came out to play….

For years Freda told me how I was not smart and that Peggy was the genius, yada, yada, yada… When I took the IQ profile thing on Japan… I found out, not only had Freda lied, but so had the Air Force shrink who diagnosed me with personality disorder… keep in mind, no EEG, no scan of any kind of the brain and I had a mental illness??? I wonder if he went on to cause the deaths of many veterans by suicide??? 

My fascination with psychology is what kept me some what grounded…. what did me under… thinking I just had to have anyone living in my life… the religious and psychology tells you no one walks alone and that is a load of BS… or we wouldn’t have people who desire nature over human contact… that is what is born into them and words of psychology or religion are not going to change what you born to be… as it is for the LGBTQ community…

One thing I have always done, tell the truth… didn’t matter if it was going to cost me a job, a friend or a relative… I told the truth… and the christians and bigots have taken truth and turned it into a sin… and that is one analogy that scares me, but I am tired and still not feeling good, so I give that over to brain fatigue…

When people we have known for decades left our little face book pages, hubby and mine… we both realized how good we were with that… when I told our daughter we were looking seriously at the San Juan Islands or surrounding area for our final home, she was supportive and still wants to be our daughter… because this move is not about her… it’s about us and us being happy with where we live… beside, it’s only a few hours drive for her to come see us…

As for the friends and relatives… When granny died and I watched and listened and saw… I made no effort to keep in touch with the family… that was back in 88… and when they reached out, I didn’t understand why, but I was curious and I did have an obligation to reach out to one per her dad’s request…. never got that one request either… anyhow… I cut the ties…

They are religious and they have no problem concealing the trauma I went through as a child and they have no problem shoving their corrupt religion up my ass and down my throat… I really do hope Trump is the reason religion takes a huge hit in America… so many nations have been destroyed because of religion… it’s their way or death and frankly they hope its your death…

But the psychology of dealing with all the turmoil that I have lived with and the constant barrage of information and memories… really makes me appreciate what I do have…

I have my husband who has stood by me like no other person on this planet… I have a daughter not of my blood and I couldn’t be prouder that she thinks I am a good role model for her…

I don’t ask for much from anyone on this planet… just never lie to me… do not violate my trust and most of all, do not try to buy my affection or any of the above… Earn it….

I reset my Ann Spite Face book page for the blog… and I have taken it out of my personal face book page…

If those few friends on face book on my personal page want to follow the blog or know about what is happening… they will have to hunt for the tbifinding.com site just like everyone else…

The purpose of this… to own it… to be the one in charge of who is really in my world and who is just a spectator…

I allowed the spectator part to go on too long… it’s time I work on me and the real friendships I have had and those that stuck with me through all this and not those that just want me to agree with them….

Now wrapping my head around the fact Freda has kept this secret about my stroke and near death… that is going to take me a little longer than I like… but that is how the brain is addressing this and just maybe, this neurology doctor I see next week, can give me some insight into what, where, how, etc… when it comes to the damage done to my brain, so I can teach myself how to better deal with life and not bail on it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… whose eyes could see right through you…

Sgt. USAF DAV