The story is hard to wrap my head around and I lived it…

Other than trying to get the last of the health issues hammered down with diagnosis that fit….

I am essentially walking through life right now, allowing the brain to do as it pleases on its journey to healing…

Yes, memories do pop in on me and I just recognize them for what they are… I do wish I had more control how they happen to wake up in my brain, but, I am just along for the ride at this point, when it comes to those memories…

It’s the book that has me a little stymied…. How to approach the first chapter, how to start the story and keep your interest and most of all, how to explain what my parents did to keep their secrets at my expense…

The criminality of it, is well documented through the ages… it was manipulation, done by 2 people who were poorly educated, but intelligent enough to know, they had to hide their crimes and like so many in the last few centuries… they used religion as their cover… which, with science and facts out there, it just goes to show… religion has been and will always be a tool to control…

How do I convey the planning Freda went through to succeed at her goal???

When Mike met Freda, he had no clue what kind of people I was related too… he met them in 96… Freda is a petite woman, never been one to be obese and always active…. she also lets you think she is the victim in the Bagwell story line and that could not be further from the truth… she was the master manipulator…

It is hard for me to get my brain to go into the dark place that Freda and Peggy live in… it involves hate, malice, greed, fear, envy and most of all self-image… which is a topic that I have no familiarity too…

I could give a rats ass, what anyone thinks of me… that includes my kids… Their opinions have no value to me… it’s jut their opinions… and we are talking about MY LIFE… not theirs… so yep, only opinion that matters to me… is mine and my sounding board hubby… but mostly mine…

So how do I go there and make myself take their place… it’s a lifestyle I never adopted, performed or committed… I literally have to put myself in their place and become them and see how they got so much satisfaction out of the cruelty and hate they inflicted on a child…

This task is the hardest, with all that I have explored since getting my memories back…

It will take a quiet environment and solitude to accomplish it… that won’t happen while we live on Hawaii… yesterday the bangers were in overdrive up and down Makauu and they went late into the night and started early this morning… want problems in a town… allow bangers to take up residence in your town…. drugs, gangs and murder come next… watched it happen in Las Cruces, El Paso and other cities… could not leave their fast enough…

So this conflict with writing, have the right environment and hope that somehow, when I take myself to that dark place that the Bagwells reside in… will be tough… I have hope, with the new pot we grew, it will allow me to escape and shut out the environment I am in and start putting the notes I have been writing and make a book out of it…

If that doesn’t work… it will be after our move and from what happened this week… that is very likely to be next spring… now to figure out where to move too…

I am nervous about going into the dark place my family went… I did it with the rapes I endured and that helped me to put them to some place of less intrusion into my world and life… now I have to do it with the people who killed me and did all they could to silence me…

I know I can do it… I just have to find that niche that works for me and the writing, so that I tell the story from the place of living it… now that will be one hell of a ride, when I go back there and I really hope it’s my last time returning to it… I have lived so much of it all over again, since getting my memories back Nov 7, 2017….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who love mystery theatre on the radio…

Sgt. USAF DAV