It is New, but so very old….

These aha moments can some times be just a little bit of a gotcha kind of moment….

Lets toss out the issues with the thyroid drug and look at it from this perspective…

By the time we moved to Hawaii, I was feeling anxious, as if something big was about to happen…

I felt pulled tight and I was fighting to come out of the corner and confront the demon of my nightmares…

As this evolves, I may figure out when, where and how I knew how to protect myself as a child so that when the time was right as an adult I could face the demon…Β 

When I had Mike go through Neurological testing, I knew at that time, If it was not him… it was me… we got his results back in September of 2017…

On Nov 5, 2017 a young Airman murdered 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and I listened toΒ the news for a couple of days and told Mike I had a memory to tell him about… he had heard so many over the decades together, he knew them all, but not this one… this one was about Big Springs, Texas…

I remember sitting slowly into my chair as I began to recount the night Margie died… I remember the scream that left my lips on Nov 7, 2017 as I remembered Margie dying…

That moment in time changed everything… and it still is… but I lost perspective on this quest to get answers to medical questions… and I left casualties along the way… It had been 1967 when Margie died… It was 2017 when Margie woke up… 50 years and she wanted to know what had happened to her….

The doctor tried and we accomplished much from Nov 2017 till now and the medical side of the journey is complete from this perspective… I know why my body is damaged… I know why my central nervous system is damaged… I know why my brain is damaged… that anxious feeling that has walked with me since I went active duty in 1977 and asked questions… I got my last question answered yesterday… and I went into that appointment with the wrong approach… because I was not seeking help, I was seeking answers and I already had them, but now it’s official and in my records…

I had hoped that my issues would be all medical and that the psychological part would be nearly over… instead it is the opposite… the medical side is over and now comes the hardest part of the journey…

Coming to terms with the domestic violence Margie lived through and the betrayal of her first best friend her sister… both women living and both women refusing to tell the truth, because they fear facing the reality of what they did….to Margie…

It’s apparent to me, this writing thing is going to take much longer than I thought… It should be an interesting journey to see, if I can step free of the PTSD and write this story or if life will continue to be one hell of a roller coaster ride…

I thought Hawaii was my last move, holy crap on a cracker was I wrong… Hubby wants to move and I want peace and quiet…

Yep, got a feeling what comes next is going to be very interesting to me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with a flashlight under the covers reading…

Sgt. USAF DAV