When Did the PTSD Start….

I got asked that question today, by a person reading the blog… 

If you have read it, you know that raped happened before the age of 13… but did I already have PTSD by that time??? Was it rape that was the trigger for PTSD???

I would have to say no…

I would have to go back to the first moment in time that I have a memory of violence… the “hairbrush breaking on my backside”… one of those old fashion long-handled ones… but back in the 40’s or 50’s those could have been made of wood or metal or plastic… the one that I remember breaking on me, no clue its composition… I just remember being hit about age 1-year-old, because I had my hands on the TV screen and back in 55… TV’s were not cheap and were prized possessions… unlike living breathing children….

The reason I think the PTSD started at that age… is because of the pictures Freda took of me… none of them have me smiling and by age 2… I never smiled for the camera… odd how I can remember my dislike for that device…

As the abuse mounted on a child of such a young age, the personality that was formed, had a silver tongue and knew exactly what to say and when to say it, and it always got under their skin… a child used her mind, the adult christians used their fists, hands, belts, yard sticks anything they could lay hands on, that was their weapon of choice… they taught their other children how to use those tools also…

PTSD is a complex subject that will destroy you if you let it take hold and mess with your mind… everyone who has the mental capacity, can choose what path they take in life, even when living with PTSD… I slipped and skidded on my lid once or twice… but I made choices I could live with and it was more important that I leave no bodies behind, unlike what christians do… so if that makes me a bad person… I am okay with that…

I can remember in my childhood as the brain recovered from repeated injuries and I could tell, that my chemistry was in flux… my puberty stopped in its tracks, because of the beatings and near death… but I knew, even without asking or talking to anyone…I knew… my path would be about choices… 

I could choose the same path as the christians and destroy life, or I could build my life based on values, ethics, morales and respect for life… and accept my mistakes as I grew…

For me, the PTSD has been a part of my life for all of it… and I can not express this enough… I was aware and it all came down to one thing in life that I kept constant… 

My choices and owning them… even if I screwed up… I couldn’t fight the PTSD… I have had to learn to live with it… will it ever not be a part of me…

No… but it will not own me… It is an integral part of who I am… Either you love me, or you hate me… I have no need, want or desire to be anything but that… the days of thinking I needed people in my life have proved to be inaccurate… I worked at it for a long time and got nothing but heartache and a empty checkbook…

No, the PTSD will always be with me and to be a part of my life…You have to accept, I will never change or adjust, to make your or anyone else on this earth happy… 

I choose to make me happy, I deserve it, I earned it… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with the curly hair…

Sgt. USAF DAV