The Mental Side of this Journey….

When the neurologist offered to do more testing I declined… I took my last mental evaluation in 2011 when I started an appeal through the VA at El Paso… and his diagnosis and evaluation, is what has helped me get to this point in time… again, I never got a phone call, I requested a copy of this evaluation and have it on file, along with thousands of pages of my medical records… the last evaluation gave me this information….

“PTSD associated with my illness and above average intelligence”… and like I said before, we discussed this memory ability, which I always called photographic, because of the way I make memories….

Ya know the medical side of this journey scared me more than the mental side…. why??? Because medical you can usually do something about it with physical therapy or surgery or last on my list, medication unless it was MS or Parkinsons or Dementia… those were very scary, but CTE & Dementia are still possible… 

When it comes to the mental side of this journey, it takes so much more effort and motivation, which is not my strong suit…

Like I told Mike, this writing is the first time I have stuck with anything, other than wearing a military uniform… where you had to follow orders and life was a little more structured… with the writing thing, I have had my ups and downs with motivation, but something inside me, keeps pushing me forward and makes me not want to give up… and that is where the geek inside me is curious as to why that is and what is it that drives me to pursue this action… 

I get that my story is not unique or special… there are lots of people out there who have endured this kind of treatment at the hands of their parents, siblings, family, friends and strangers… some survived… some are more famous as dead children, than they likely would have been if they survived to adulthood… morbid, yes, but reality… Peter boy on Hawaii is a famous child death… the Little girl in Las Cruces, who was tortured to death… both children, never seeing first grade…

I, like many others, survived and most of us go on to lead very quiet lives… for some reason, that doesn’t seem to be my lot in life… for some reason, unknown to me at this point in time… I am supposed to put the story out there and it have some kind of impact… for some reason…

It will be interesting to go back and look at this blog in a few years and see if life played out for those reasons I mentioned above… I find it doubtful, not because of my talent… but because of society…

We still disrespect the military, just like during Vietnam… I had a kid, I never met, who is my children’s age and he attacked me, telling me how I as a veteran should know how important a fence on the border should be… and I did tell him, from experience, owning property on that Mexican border and owning property on the Canadian border… but because I did not agree with him, he knew my patriotism??? So society for all of the rhetoric like this young man, who is a christian…

My story may have no impact or interest to people… because they do not respect knowledge, wisdom or experience… and most of all my story exposes the hypocrisy of religion and those that profess to be religious like the young man who attacked my military service…

They respect only what they think and believe…

So yes, my story may have no impact or impression… because it does not have value based on other humans opinions…

Now I would say, that is the problem in the world today… society has become narcissistic and only what the individual thinks and believes has value…

As a world, we can survive this way, because to many factions going into many directions, means to many targets … as a Nation… it will destroy us… because we are vulnerable to those that would take what isn’t theirs and our divide will be our Achilles heel…

Much like what christians did to me and my children… now that should scare you… but likely it does not… it has to impact you to move you…. 

So maybe my effort is for naught, maybe it will help someone and maybe I will just fade into the sunset…

This is where one time… time will tell….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never liked traditions that were based on religion…

Sgt. USAF DAV