PTSD my lifelong companion….

Ask yourself, would you send a child off into the world, knowing full well they had been brutalized, you gave them multiple severe brain injuries and yet you continued to act like you loved that child for 64 years… are you that good an actor???

Freda & Don Bagwell are and were… Don is dead… Peggy the sister, she didn’t quite have the knack for that kind of drama, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is just mentally disturbed, but most people of religious faith are, only because they bought into stories, instead of looking in the mirror and accepting who they are and what they are…

Perfection does not exist, it never has… it is just a word as is faith… I have watched for 6 decades at what faith and religion does to humans and their lives and I will never understand the need to lean on what you can not touch, feel, smell, hear let alone carry on a conversation with… we all have our crutches… and those I just mentioned are riff with mental illness….

I  had truly hoped that my condition was 100% medical and that would be the end of the journey and I could just get on living what ever life I had to live, impeded only by the physical medical condition… I had hoped… but it was not meant to be and again it was an opportunity I jumped on, because of denial… 

As the neurologist stated when I saw him, my status is permanent… there is no going back… there is no treatment… my condition was not addressed when the incidences happened… the moratorium for making things better, passed in 1967… What a wake up call, a little, but not really…

PTSD has been a part of my life, since the first blow Freda did to my backside at the age of 1-year-old… and the abuse never ended… the physical side continued until I was 17… the psychological side… stopped when I stood in Freda’s kitchen that I help to pay for and told her I was missing memory in 2010… I was 56 years old… and my opportunity to recover from PTSD was long gone after the beating on Japan in 1968… 

I had hoped that my issues were physical, those can be fixed… PTSD left untreated for as long as I have had mine, is permanent… there is no fixing… there is no undoing… there is no ever not thinking, living or breathing the trauma over and over and over… so what do I do, go running for the hills???

In a way I did that, by moving to Hawaii, put my son’s in their proper places and cutting all ties with the Bagwell Cooper clan… for one very good reason… 

So I can heal as much as I can, knowing that PTSD will walk with me the rest of my life and that is a haunting and a daunting feeling…

I have to make choices that are best for me and no longer pandering to the wants and needs of others… I have to make choices, so that my quality of life, the years I have left, living my life instead of watching others manipulate it… I have choices I will have to make and their will be casualties along the way…

It is not I who has to adjust to others, It is not I that will have to make concessions… it is everyone else… 

I have lived with a mental illness my whole life, because 2 christian adults beat the crap out of a kid and left her to die… I have gone out of my way to make the world they lived in better and the only time my phone rang… when they needed something…

I no longer need them… 

This path, the rest of my life will never be easy and it will never be straight forward… It will always be filled with caution and walls, because for decades everyone took advantage of my mental illness…

No more… to be a part of my world, you will have to earn an entrance or stay on the outside looking in…

I will never be free of PTSD and I acknowledge that… but I will be free of those that did all they could to harm me and take advantage of my mental illness… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… Who’s voice is still silenced by those of faith….

Sgt. USAF DAV