Brain Games… I am so good at this…

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly… it’s so nice to see you once again…. love that musical… seen it with Lucy, Barbara, Rosalind…. great actress’s… but the gist of that whole story… how to use your brain to get what you most desire… for Dolly, it was the man… for me… It’s more complicated… I have gotten everything I ever set out for and sometimes I got it multiple times… I did get married 6 times before the age of 40….

Last year, when the EEG was done and it came back with abnormal brain waves… I had hope… Hope that my issues were 100% physical and the mental part would just slink away into a distant memory…

When I latched onto that thought process I took it and ran with it… Because I did that, my nightmares backed off, and mentally I could focus on the issues with the thyroid drug, which came to a climax Jan 2019 when I quit taking the medication….

The anticipation of seeing the neurologist so he could tell me it was MS or Dementia, anything else, but psychological… so I went into that appointment with the wrong mindset… I went in to get fixed, what can never be fixed…

It has taken me over a week to come to terms with what the neurologist told me…. and it will take the rest of my life to see it all play out… sometimes the PTSD will win and sometimes it won’t…

I listen to the howling wind outside my window and that is where my brain has been for the last 10 days… howling from one memory point to another, whipping back and forth so much that I have gotten whiplash…

Last night I had nightmares… one thing about my brain, when I want to deny, Margie takes my underwear and does a wedge and pulls it up over my head, because she is telling me to quit being a coward and deal with the memories… and quit shutting down the memories when they come forward…

I know from the last 15 months, since I got my memories back… if I face the ugly behavior of Freda, Don, Peggy and the rest…. I will own it and I will be in control of it…

It will not bring us back together as a family, because we were never a family… we were a group of people who lived together and the master manipulator is still running the show… just her star attraction… me, is no longer participating…

I wrote a while back about how I would be writing about the medical journey… you can’t write about one if there isn’t one… I have lived with the physical damage since I was a child… I turn 65 this year… so I have taken the steps to insure my mobility and agility and that too will improve my brain and its health… this part is easy… it’s the mental part that will take it’s pound of flesh…

I can build my body back to what it was, when younger… I can never take my brain back from what it lived…

The writing will change… it has too, I have no choice… I live with depression and have always lived with depression… now I get what drugs make it worse and I get what not to do to my body to make it worse… but it’s the brain and it does work independently… it’s the voices that will destroy you… which is why suicide is so high among PTSD veterans and I get it, my combat was my parents home… soldiers were in a foreign land… both ugly, both leaving marks, both life taking…

Denial, that is my first task to make my brain address… no more denial and no more letting the denial argument win… I have a goal, a goal that if I work at it, I can achieve to a level of success that I can live with, reality, I don’t have any other choice, If I want to live… and life has always been my choice, death and I are already old friends…

I will be doing my reading on psychology again, researching the new and the old… looking for the relationship with my own circumstances and knowing my case may be a little unique… and always looking at myself for healing and not friends, family or gods to make me whole… no… I have to stand in front of that mirror and look at the living, breathing human who has a brain that likes to screw with me, I just have to stay true to reality and reality is a very cold bed fellow…

I started accepting that reality when I got my memories back, but I went off track, hoping for a physical issue, not a mental issue…

So I have drawn that line in the sand and I am already jumping back and forth over that line… 

The nightmares are back and they were very vivid last night… putting myself back into that time period of cruelty and hate, will be somewhat of a drag… I already plan to get out of bed, smoke that bowl and go back to bed and own that nightmare…

Some will come easy and be put pen to paper… others will take more time, only because… they are so ugly and cruel…

It will never cease to amaze me, but maybe I will become numb to the reality of the cruelty of my own mother, father and sister… all people who profess to know their god and are children of said god… 

What god allows the cruelty and hate and destruction of another human being???

Mental illness at it’s best and religion is its primary name… Religion is what they all hide behind…

Guess that is why it is so easy for me to stand and bear my soul to the world… I quit fearing life, when I dumped the religion… religion is a lie…

Life is reality…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who refuses to shut up and die…

Sgt. USAF DAV