Vision quest, answered….now the Brain…

So far, had the MRI & MRA of the brain and got those answers… Stroke, brain bleed and no other sign of issues…

Saw a neurologist who stuck the needles in my arms and legs and we got the neuropathy answers… Autonomic and peripheral neuropathy…

Wore a device for the heart and got the tachycardia answer…

Saw a Physical therapist and they are helping with strengthening the body because of the old stroke from 13 years of age…

Saw a mental health counselor for a few sessions and frankly, I had my answers and still working on them… 

Got myself a new primary care doctor and we will get along fine…

Today, I saw the optometrist…. and got my vision issues answered… my left eye has a nice size cataract and it needs to be removed…so that is a surgical procedure I will likely have done in the next few months…

Saw a neuro psychologist and found that medication will never be an option for me and he did give me the answers I was looking for…

All the medical side of this journey is done, other than the eye surgery…

Now it’s onto the psychological part of PTSD, repressed memories and the lost time from Texas…

All my physical pain, is associated to domestic violence… from my head to my toes… all domestic violence and all before the age of 18…

The next phase of this journey will be to explore the psychological part of this recovery…

I know from experience that the PTSD will come and go and it will be good and it will be bad… but knowing about the PTSD and why I have it, I have already won half the battle… and some of those memories that I have recovered fully, no longer haunt my dreams….

I have known happiness before and I know it now… I have felt the butter fly effect before, but it’s lost for now…

Having the medical answers and the knowledge of why I have the pain I do… helps greatly with going forward with the psychological pain that I must relive and experience once again…

Some of it will be less intrusive and some of it will fill me with rage and anger and desire to give back what I never asked for… Some of it will be questioning why anyone would think anyone on this planet deserves to be harmed in any way by another living human….

I will not get all the answers I seek… Freda and Peggy are not talking and I have only my memories to go on and Aunt Tiny says she knows nothing… sadly, her nieces already spilled those beans and the family is now truly no longer a part of my life, nor will they ever be a part of my life… they took to much of it already with their envy and hate and most of all secrets…

I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life… the PTSD will always be a part of it, but I will always be the driver… it may sneak in and cause me to feel down and low, but as long as I recognize what is happening… I choose how much it will impact me…

Getting my memories back changed my life permanently… there is no going back and removing the memories that have come forward and there is no stopping the rest of the memories as they too make their way back into my waking mind…

No the journey will have its ups and downs and they will mostly be psychological…

As long as I stay true to the course of reality and honesty… I will come out of that bucket of shit Freda says I fall into repeatedly… smelling like that proverbial rose…

I like Jasmine more…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never gave up hope of finding true love… 25 years in June together… Happy Valentines….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

 

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