Letting the Fantasy go….

It is a struggle at some moments during my day… Like today, when the PT therapist asked me questions about my journey… they have access to my blog and I get I am somewhat of a curiosity…

He asked if we still planned to move and I had to stop for a moment and gather my thoughts before I spoke… and I said…

“I don’t know if I am ready to move… so much is involved with the PTSD and I know that the PTSD will be with me forever, because we are addressing all things related to my childhood damage now, so many decades later and I have only had my memories back for 14 months, so I can’t answer if we will move from here or not… I did the job thing and I did the mom thing and I tried doing the grandma thing… No one wants to meet me half way… so this fantasy of moving home and having a relationship with people who would rather be spectators and judges, has no appeal to me… I have no true support for what I will live with, the rest of my life and I am just as well off, living among strangers and I am living among people I know”…..

It was a conversation that came out of curiosity, but one that has great impact on me….

I allowed people for decades to put labels on me, because I had no collective thought process or defense, I was walking through life, not living it… I allowed people for decades to make up lies and I did nothing to disprove those lies, but why I should to begin with is still beyond me…

Letting the fantasy go about having my kids and grandkids in and out of my house… I had that once and my check book ended up empty… 

I can be content, regardless of the place I live, if I so choose… my discontent with Hawaii has many factors, but none so awful, that I am willing to pick up and move to an environment that won’t be beneficial to me…

I am in my own way, letting the fantasy go of what I would like the next couple of decades to be… and accepting, that what I have lived these last 17 years since we left Okanogan, will likely continue…

You can not ask of others and they can not ask of me… I have no expectations and the few hopeful dreams I did have, are fading into the sunset…

I do not know what the future will hold, if I felt or had the connections that I am told existed, it would be different, but we all have our own lives and our own agendas, including me…

I have never been good at lip service, found that out when I lived in Mena among the family, it was easier to stay at my house than visit with them… that way I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in the fake world they created…

If Mikes dad was still alive, it would be different… he treated me like his daughter and he is missed…

I can be called mom, grandma and wife all people want… 

But do I feel the part and most of all do I want to live it???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who like all girls dreamed of the Barbie and Ken world that was never real…

Sgt. USAF DAV