Head up ass routine over yet???

I could just as easily remind myself, been off the thyroid medication exactly 30 days and that could be why I am having so much conflict… when the hormone level gets to be just enough off, confusion is a big issue and some people have been known to go into a waking coma type state… not even close to my head up ass, but got to look at all, not just one part….

Depression has been on the table, obviously… motivation, well every time I feel my feet start to curl, I remind myself why I am doing the PT and why I am doing this crap with the past… I am working to get to a what, you got me… I shake my head and listen to the big tonka toy working on the acre across from me… and sigh….

And I do that “I could have had a V8 moment”…. 

I live with PTSD, I will always live with PTSD, it is and always has been a part of me… I can look at my childhood pictures and see the light leave my eyes before I make it to 8 years old… 56 years of PTSD, I don’t think it’s going to go any place… kind of daunting thought, when I have to look at the rest of my life that way…

Stroke, bleed on the brain… I have a physical reason for the PTSD, I can not remove the brain tissue and it can not be fixed… that golden opportunity was back in the 60’s and like all that the folks did… deny me health care was the biggest… and I let go a big gasp of air…. so what do I do???

Like everything else I have done in life… had two kids when I hadn’t planned to have any… serve my country and have an experience of a lifetime working for Protocol at 5th AF… Travel the world and my country… Always looking, always learning… 

I am going to have down days like I am now and I will have up days, where I am planning out my next move… some steps will be forward and some will be backwards… but they will be steps and not me standing in place…

The move is important… but what I thought would have to be foot work, may now be obtainable by internet… now that we have it, sort of… bad weather takes this satellite out too and we get lots of heavy rain…

I think the next few weeks, me trying to get what I need on-line, may take the pressure off moving real soon and it may not… there are always more factors involved with any decision I make… as much as Mike says this is about me… I can not change who I am and it will always be about family, I just may not get what I want out of it… and that is jut the facts of life…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves the quiet of the breeze…

Sgt. USAF DAV