Wishy!!! Washy!!! Make a damn decision already???

I hate indicisive behavior and when it comes from me, it gets on my nerves in many ways….

Mike & I are talking about our current situation and families….and it keeps coming back to one thing… What will change if we move???

So far not a damn thing… our lifestyle will continue as it is… we will be more home bodies than outgoing and socializing… but we are bored and we know that all we have to do, make time and set the money aside and go out and do things… like golf… which should be a comedy in erros when I get on the green…

The PT kid said the same thing Mike said this morning… “You shouldn’t move until you feel good and comfortable about it”… and they are both right… when I put the move on the side lines, because of the medical side of this journey, things actually calmed down internally….

We left Okanogan county in 2002… since that time we have had a few visitors in the different states we lived in… My son came and saw us in Arkansas… Some friends of ours who moved to Arizona came and saw us in New Mexico… and a girlfriend came and saw us on Hawaii…Our oldest was suppose to help us and stayed in our other house in New Mexico for a few months… that was interesting…

I am talking our time since we left Okanogan county, not before, when we always had people in and out…

From 2002 to 2019… We have had visitors in our home 4 times…

We have gone through heart failure, open heart surgery and me, more surgeries than I care to count… we had some, support long distance during these times and mostly that was our daughter…

Yet I am tearing myself up about a move that will have impact on two people… Mike & I…

When the PT therapist asked about the move, that was when it started hitting me… I am unwilling to commit… I am unwilling to take myself out of my safe place and put myself in a situation where I am drawn into other peoples lives and drama… I am struggling to live with my own internal drama, so why would I expose myself to more???

Technology has allowed me to let that wall that protects me stay in place, simply because no one has bothered to give back what I gave out and that tells me… I have lots of spectators and very little real support, except for the man I am married too… which in reality is the way life is…

He does it daily by being here with me, accepting me and most of all not judging me… no one else out there can say that or show that… because… my wall is overflowing with cards of support and my phone is ringing off the hook with words of encouragement… 

Don’t get me wrong I do get suedo support in emojis or comments on face book and If I take the technology out of that picture, I guess it’s the same as getting that paper card you took time to go into the store and purchase… or the minutes you took out of your day to make that call… people are less likely to be involved when mental illness is the cause… even though mine is just PTSD, which has many definitions…

It is a two edge sword on how I look at this, allow it to impact me and most of all, being objective and reminding myself, we all have lives and mine is no more important than anyone elses….

So what do I do… I knew that answer when I started house hunting and could not get excited about it… moving is the wrong thing to do and continuing to think about it, is not helping…

I am not in the military nor do I work a job… I can pick up and move at any time… When it feels right…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… there are times I wish I didn’t…

Sgt. USAF DAV