The layers of the decades are connected… Noise and PTSD…

A little Moody Blues playing in the background and I have it turned up so I can hear it in all rooms of our little house… When did I start to hate loud noise and when did it become painful… so many layers involved with PTSD… So many nuances to the pain you live with daily… and you start to eliminate the noise and the pain… you put your walls up and you start the process of building your cocoon…. your safe place and you eliminate the noise…

The noise can be people, it can be mechanical it can be overwhelming your world…. the noise can be emotional pain and it can be memories… I do not need to read other people’s pain… I have lived it my whole life and separating the noise and accepting it back into my world will be a process that has no time schedule or plan…

It will be getting up each morning and embracing the nightmares as I rise and wondering what will set me off today and what will I come to accept back into my world…

The world does not slow down or adjust for people with mental illness… no it tries to indoctrinate people to make them like they are… delusional and religious and most of all afraid of life and its reality…

I saw a post on face book today, that did not surprise me, this person made their choices decades ago, when they could not accept the abuse that went on in their own household so many years ago… the post on face book, how new parents decided not to put a gender on a birth certificate and I thought to myself, what is wrong with that… they are giving the life they brought into this world a choice, instead of making that choice for the new life… Instead of telling a child you are born with these body parts, so this is what you are, because that is what we believe… this is humanity at its best… to call these people other than what they are, which is human is bigotry at its best… so I can only imagine that this person is along for the ride as a spectator, because they believe in a white mans god and my story is just that to them…. a story… why???

Because they have become drunk with the white mans god and judge…. and they will wonder why the grandchild they are so proud of with his new bible, turns into an addict or a beater or a liar or a thief… all because they told the child what to believe, instead of allowing the child to learn, by watching, listening and most of all learning about life and not being told what life is, because of their own fears about what they have done in life and will be judge by a god that does not exist…

The noise of other people impact people like me and they do it daily with their post on face book or email or comments on blogs… they want so much for you to hear their noise, while they silence your voice…

Brain injuries happen daily, every minute of every day… we are the lucky ones… those with TBI… we get to see the world with no illusions… yet there will be those given this gift who will turn to white mans gods and the bigotry they dislike with how they are treated will grow… because instead of seeing the world through their brain injury, they will look at the world through religion… the leave their reality and look for a miracle that can never be… because of man-made gods…

The noise around me, the humans I live among, will never see the world the way I do, when they believe in gods…

Only because they are afraid to just believe in themselves and accept the solitude they are afforded… Just being happy to be alive….

Some of us will find companionship and have some help and support along the way… some will only have their family to help them and some, will always be alone…

TBI gives many gifts and it takes much, like it did with my past and memories…. My TBI has taught me what trust truly means… my TBI taught me that life is at its best, when honesty is the most important aspect of my life… my TBI taught me how to face fear and conquer it… my TBI taught me how to live and fight for the life I have… 

My TBI taught me that god does not exist when I died…  that life is precious and we only get one opportunity and to waste it praying to a human that was born and died just like you….

That is how I kept my soul…. knowing that no human born on this planet is a god, nor do they or ever will have a say in my life…

It’s mine… I intend to live it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who faced death and values life, we only get one…

Sgt. USAF DAV